This always hits me around the months of August and September.
This time round it hit much earlier, and I have begun to feel this way by the end of July.
An overwhelming sense of sadness.
Recently I read this article and it described everything I’ve felt for two years now, usually at this time of the year – this time of the year when ALL birthdays are officially over. My boys celebrate their birthdays in February and Becks celebrates hers in July.
The first time I experienced this sadness was right after Nat’s third birthday. By then I already knew. I knew in my heart after he blew out his three candles, that I was really done with having babies, and that he would be my last.
My babies are officially no more and what I have in the brood right now is an 8-year-old, a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old who are smarter than me, sassier than me and stronger than me.
At least this is what they think, and what I let them think.
Life every day with them is filled with both frustration and fun. Depends on the perspective you wish to adopt, hurhurhur.
You listen in to a whole load of stuff; they talk about a whole load of stuff; and a whole ginormous load of stuff is learned and picked up and discussed and explored and thought about and squabbled over every friggin’ waking minute.
It’s exhilarating and exasperating at the same time.
Now that I am done having babies, this is my area to grow as their mother – to handle the exhilaration and exasperation all at the same time and to savour it all while at it.
To cherish them as they are growing up, to tune in and work out the patience bit every single waking moment.
Yet, I can’t help but to reminisce and cry sad tears every night looking at this…
And at the gazillion photos and videos of them as little beings (thank God for technology!).
Every night while they sleep, I’ll be scrolling the hundreds and hundreds of photos we’ve taken of them since 2009, watching old videos from the family cloud drive, and planting hundreds and hundreds of kisses on every sleeping child’s cheeks, and breaking down into a childish wreck squealing ‘my baby, my baby, my baby, you’re my baby’. I know, this mother has gone bonkers.
So much so that sometimes the kids tell me to get a hold of myself and pull myself together. ‘What’s wrong, Mum?’ they’d ask. ‘I am not a baby anymore’, they’ll declare in their waking moments.
Goodbye, babies. Hello, big little people.