(Self) Examination Archives - Page 4 of 7

(Self) Examination Invites & Tryouts The real supermom

Onwards to staying fit and fab, and running to live great

August 17, 2014

How much running took place yesterday? A lot to me – since my JC days!

Ever since I joined the Great Eastern Women’s Run ‘Run To Live Great’ Programme as their influencer, I’ve been trying to convince myself that running can be fun, and most importantly, that I can run.

Anyone who knows me knows I never run and how much I dislike it. When I was 16, I walked the entire Cross Country route of my school’s annual Cross Country event at MacRitchie Reservoir as a sign of protest of how much I hated to be made to run every single year. I’m not going to the army, I’m not going to pursue anything athletic, why, oh why do you torture me like this, was what I always asked my PE teacher.

Now at 33, I suffer from constant fatigue and high cholesterol. If only I had made the decision to exercise regularly at an earlier age. Why, oh why, did I not have that maturity to understand that whatever I sow, I also reap.

Someone once told me, “If you want energy, sow it.”

Yesterday, I took time out to sow MORE energy into my life. I’ve already started to take small steps by jogging at least once a week for 15 to 20 minutes to get my heart rate up in preparation for the 5km I have to run in November, but yesterday was a major leap forward for the training.

At the Training Run organised by the GEWR’s ‘Run To Live Great’ Programme yesterday morning, I went through a session of understanding the different heart rate zones and experiencing what the various intensity levels of exercise feel like.

So I learned that exercise can be divided into three intensity zones: light, moderate and hard. Each of these intensity levels corresponds to various fitness improving mechanisms in our body.

When we alternate between intensity zones, we improve our fitness in the long run.

Greek to you? Actually, me too. But because I was put through the practical, I understood what all these zoning zones mean exactly.

Because this was what I did:

* Light intensity zone = slow run for 300 metres, then warm up with some stretches. Continue to jog at a comfortable pace for 1km

* Moderate intensity zone = Jumping Jacks, High Knee, Run-Like-Mad-On-the-Spot + run a little faster than the light intensity jog for 1.5km

* Hard intensity zone = 2 x 500m walk lunges, 1 x 500m walk-and-twist lunge, 3 x 500m shuttle run + 400m sprint + 2.5km jog

The kind of lunges we had to do, as demonstrated by our trainer, Adrian

The kind of lunges we had to do for 500 metres, 3 times, as demonstrated by our trainer, Adrian

* And then warm down with stretches using a weight from something we can easily find, like a 2-litre water bottle

Stretching and taking a selfie

Yep, these were all I did to understand exercise zones. Yes, the walk-to-protest-at-Cross-Country-unfit-me.

Which all equals to nothing but a super ZONED-OUT me.

Training in zones = zoned out

It’s now officially agonising to walk and climb the stairs and carry my littlest because every single muscle on my calves and thighs and butt and feet are aching like crazy, that plus every other muscle I never knew existed.

But it has been fun training with a bunch of enthusiastic and lively women I ran and perspired buckets with yesterday morning, and I am beginning to think that running can be fun, if and only when it’s done with a group of people who has such a zest for life, like the ladies I met yesterday.

GEWR 2014 Polar Loop Training Run
Photo Credit: GEWR 2014

I have been inspired much yesterday. Inspired to live great, not because I am forced to, but because I get to. What a privilege!

—-

If you’re unfit like me but want to start a quest towards getting your fitness level up, you could try doing the workouts that I shared at the light intensity zone and the moderate intensity zone. You can also follow some of the moms here on the Fit and Fab Blog Train to get some exercise tips, motivation and advice.

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Next on the Blog Train is Jenn, who was an athlete in her schooling days. Ever since her only son was born, she could hardly find time to exercise. Her energy level declined and her health condition deteriorated fast, especially in these last two years. She decided that she should work on her health, so when Alicia from beanienus.blogspot.sg invited mom bloggers to join the Fit and Fab Blog Train, she was more than happy to participate and share with her readers her struggles.

Follow her blog to find out the steps she has taken to regain her fitness once again.

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Read also: how my quest to getting fit began here.

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(Self) Examination Ben Kao Family life as we know it Milestones and growing up The darndest kid quotes and antics

Police force

July 3, 2014

Five is the age of policing. I am so convinced it is. At least that’s the case for my son.

Ben has a strong sense of justice and a constant need to know if something is right or wrong. He tattles, quite often, but doesn’t do it just so his siblings get in trouble. More often, he does it because he needs to know from the adult if a behaviour or an action is acceptable or not.

Which means he takes on the role of the moral policeman in the house.

“Becks, you need to say ‘Please’ when you need something. I want to hear it before I do it for you. C’mon.”

“Nat, this is wrong. You need to say ‘sorry’. Go and say that to Mama now.”

“Mama, do not check your phone in the car. No reading in a moving vehicle, remember?”

“If it’s wrong for me to say ‘idiot’, why does Dada call some drivers ‘idiot’ when he drives? Dada should not do that.”

“Aunty A, please pronounce properly. It’s ‘prawn’, not ‘frawn’. Say it correctly lah.”

As you can see, everyone in the house gets corrected by him all the time, almost every day. And he’s usually right 9 out of 10 times. His correction would often leave you embarrassingly speechless.

Just the other day, the police force in the house just said something that took the cake.

Ben: Mama, why is Becks so lucky?

Me: Why is she lucky?

For the record, I dislike that word. We never use it and it was the previous helper that taught him that. We tell our children it’s always God’s grace, never luck. So you can imagine the annoyance in my tone when I asked him why.

Ben: Good things always happen to her.

Me: Really? What good things have happened?

Ben: The good thing that happened to her is me. She’s so lucky to have an older brother who do everything for her. I help her, give in to her, pack for her. She can throw tantrums but I will just help her still. Aiyo... this is lucky what.

Me: *speechless*

I really didn’t know what else to say. You’re talking about me, Motherkao, Ben’s mother, who must have the last word.

See? We have the force right here, always checking to see who’s good and bad, who’s naughty and nice. There, my five-year-old for you.

***

That night I related the conversation to the husband, who, after hearing about it advised me to pay more attention to the children’s emotional needs. He saw what I didn’t. He saw that Ben in his policing was seeking our approval. It was clear to Fatherkao that Ben needed to know that we would always approve of him.

Just at that moment, Ben interrupted our conversation in the bedroom by coming in to tattle on his sister. Like I mentioned, I don’t think his intention was for us to head out to discipline her. He came and told us something she did which was not right, along the lines of her leaving her seat before her dinner was finished.

The response Fatherkao had and the subsequent exchange between father and son was pretty amazing. This was it:

Fatherkao: Ben, I don’t need to know that. I want you to tell me or show me what’s important to you.

Ben: Ok, Dada.

And my five-year-old proceeded to do a forward roll to show his father, and they all had a good belly laugh on the bed.

So. The moral of the story. The moral police in the house stops policing and starts behaving like the five-year-old he ought to be the moment he knows that he is loved and approved by the two most important people in his life. In all that he was doing, pointing out people’s mistakes and wanting to know what’s right and wrong, he was crying out for us to look at him, hold him and affirm him.

***

Motherhood has such thrills, isn’t it? It’s a steep learning curve but you learn so much. Your children teach you to love, how to love, and how to be more human every day. At least that’s the case for me.

Ben, you teach me more than you can imagine. It’s really my honour and a privilege to be your mother, sweetheart.

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(Self) Examination Becks Kao Homelearning fun Learning fun! Milestones and growing up

Fixing a problem with ‘Special Time’

June 27, 2014

Ever since I became more of a work-at-home mom than stay-at-home mom, I’ve not really done much homelearning with the kids. I still follow a routine with them, but it’s with less intensity and frequency throughout the day; and instead of creating and designing my own materials, I’m using a lot more stock ones that are available for downloading from the net. I’m also letting them play A LOT more together, now that they are at the age where they love to pretend play. Just recently, I heard someone say “Mama” and “Dada” and they were not calling the husband and me but each other, and it was altogether tremendously amusing.

I also outsource the learning of the Chinese Language to Berries. Ben has been attending lessons since last year, and Becks started her N2 class this year. I’m pretty much hands off in this area.

Until the rude shock yesterday, that is.

So Becks’ teacher informed me that she couldn’t recognise the words she’s been taught when she did a revision test with her. It’s not the first time the teacher’s said it since the beginning of the year, and I’ve pretty much just left things as they were and hoping not to intervene at all in Becks’ learning. But last evening, the test score was 1 out of 20, and it was quite horrifying to know that the little girl doesn’t remember any Chinese character save one since January.

Of course our first thoughts were: Does she have a learning disability? Is she suffering from something we do not know of? Does she have a problem with memory? Is the classroom engaging enough? Does she have attention deficit?

Believe you me, I think any parent would start off with these crazy thoughts.

But any parent who knows their child would be able to pull herself back from this and think about what it is that the child really needs.

I didn’t go all beserk. I didn’t get all anxious (for a while I did, but not for too long, hurhur!) about Becks’ lack of ability to remember. I didn’t go down that slippery slope of reasoning within myself about how she might suffer in primary school. I didn’t run out to buy more Chinese books or videos. I knew that the little girl was sending me a message loud and clear, and if I am not going to “listen” to it, I’m going to be a fool of a mother.

I know my child. I think she’s saying, “Mama, can you also teach me Chinese too?”

Last night, before the kids went to bed, I told them that there would be a new routine when they wake up. They would each get a “Special ‘Learning’ Time” with me for 20 minutes every day when they are fresh in the morning, and we could spend time doing anything that they wished to learn. They know ‘Special Time’ is one-to-one time with me which no one can interrupt, and so using this phrase got them all agreeable.

That was that. I had it at the back of my mind but still went to bed at 2am catching Episode 201 of Running Man.

This morning, at 8.30am, someone tapped me on the shoulder and shouted, “Mama, wake up. We are having special time learning right?”

Right, the ‘Special ‘Learning’ Time’, yes.

It was the little girl who was up and all ready this morning.

And I was right. She was all ready to learn some Chinese and do some flashcard reading on my lap and playing games answering ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in Chinese. I’m thinking to myself, BINGO, isn’t this what needs to be fixed before the problem in the classroom can be? She needs her mother to be involved in every area of her learning too.

Lesson learned: Never dismiss my child as having any problems until I’ve invested good time and energy being involved in her learning. I have to keep filling love tanks and be their cheerleader every step of the way, whether I work at home or not. And those 20 minutes (60 minutes for me) didn’t just make one kid happy, it made all three happy to have some one-to-one time on Mama’s lap – and we’re all looking forward to this routine every day!

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(Self) Examination Invites & Tryouts The real supermom

Running to live great

June 11, 2014

I don’t run.

Not even to catch the bus. I usually wave my hands frantically and hope the bus driver notices me. When I was in school, I never ran at cross country meets. And just so you know, I’ve never succeeded in passing my 2.4.

I’ve got friends who take part in races and marathons, and while I am in awe of them for finishing 21-km- and 42-km-runs, at the back of my mind I’m thinking that I have better things to do. Like vacuum the house, scrub the toilet and teach my children. Won’t that all work out a sweat as well?

When it comes to exercise, I am the most sedentary person you can ever meet.

But being sedentary has its price to pay. You feel lethargic and unfit all the time. You’ve got no outlet to vent your stress and all you end up doing is lashing out at people around you and screaming in their faces. And if you’re sedentary, busy with full-time motherhood and not watching what you eat, you’d end up face to face with a doctor who looks at you with great astonishment in his eyes.

At your age, you shouldn’t be having cholesterol this high, he tells you.

This. This was my medical report last year.

You ought to start some serious exercising, he adds.

And I did. I tried. I tried swimming with the kids and running in circles round our void deck. I tried playing games on Xbox Kinect that involved vigorous movements.

I still feel horrible, unfit, easily exhausted and toxic.

So when the folks behind the Great Eastern Women’s Run (GEWR) 2014 approached me to join their ‘Run To Live Great’ Programme as their “influencer” to encourage more moms like me to stay fit and healthy, I decided this was the perfect opportunity for me to start somewhere. Actually, it was also decided because my husband kept on saying I need to go run and get some stress out my system, and a friend who runs at least one race a month has kindly agreed to buddy me for this.

At the Event Launch on Saturday @ 313 Somerset: Between me and my buddy, we have 6 kids!

My running buddy and me: Clowning around the photo booth!

It took a lot from me to say yes. A lot from me to put on those running shoes. A lot from me to finish those 3 kilometres last Sunday as part of the GEWR 3km-Run-Around-Town Event Launch. You’re looking at someone whose last run was 15 years ago on the school track and whose last strenuous thing she did was pushing a baby out.

But I did it.

Yes! I ran with all these lovely ladies on Sunday morning along Orchard Road! (Photo credit: GEWR 2014)

Yes! I ran with all these lovely ladies on Sunday morning along Orchard Road! Photo credit: Great Eastern Women’s Run 2014

So we stopped at the traffic light crossing and posed for a picture! (Spot Super Tired Me!) Photo credit: Great Eastern Women’s Run 2014

Hurray!

So here I am, standing on the other side, and saying this to all you sedentary moms out there: “It’s not easy but it can be done!” Just look at super-unfit-high-cholesterol-me.

We can all take small steps to keep fit. Wanna join me to do so for the Great Eastern Women’s Run 2014? It’s in November and we still have time. We can all work towards a healthier us together!

More details:

Asia’s largest all-women run returns, underlining Great Eastern’s continued commitment to helping women live well and stay healthy. This year’s run sees the introduction of a new programme, #RuntoLiveGreat, to encourage non-runners to take that first step towards healthier and better living. The full-fledged programme will challenge 50 pairs of women to step forth and commit themselves to a healthier lifestyle by attending various training sessions, fringe activities and eventually complete a run of any race distance on event day.

To participate, simply need to submit a photo of yourself and your running partner, telling the organisers what Live Great means to you and your reasons for participating in the #RuntoLiveGreat Programme together. In return, each of the participants will receive a complimentary #RuntoLiveGreat kit worth up to S$350, comprising an adidas workout T-shirt, a pair of New Balance running shoes, a Polar Loop activity tracker and tailored exercise programme including complimentary all-access to three pre-assigned Great Eastern Women’s Run fringe activities.

This year, the Run will flag off and end at The Float@Marina Bay on Sunday, 9 November 2014. The Great Eastern Women’s Run will feature three race distances – 5km Live Great! Fun Run, 10km and 21.1. For more details on race categories, early bird discounts and promotions, and how to register, visit http://www.greateasternwomensrun.com .

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(Self) Examination Milestones and growing up Parenting 101 Re: learning and child training The Kao Kids What to Expect... As a Mother

Parenting at 5, 3-half and 2 (Part 2)

June 9, 2014

It’s incredible what parenting does to you. You can feel a host of extreme emotions – like that of guilt and elation, anger and love, and fatigue and enthusiasm – all on the same day, and sometimes, almost at the same time.

That’s what parenting my 5-year-old Ben, 3-turning-4 Becks and 2-year-old Nat is doing to me.

My littlest exasperates every single day. Without fail. With his mischief and antics. Like sticking the Yakult straw in his ear and wailing non stop for ten minutes in shock and pain. Or aiming his p-part at me to do a wee on me like a rain shower while I bathe him. Or picking things up from the garbage and stuffing his mouth silly with whatever he thinks is edible and having me chase him around the house to stop him. I always feel I have a combo Speedy Gonazales, Tazmanian Devil and Bart Simpson on the loose with him.

Some people whom I recently met commented I’ve lost quite a lot of weight. I think I lost them all by sighing a hundred times a day and chasing after Nat who is thinking up mischief every waking minute of his life.

But he is also, at two years of age, the most endearing child of the three. He cries for you, laughs with you, hugs you with no restraints, and tries with all he has to bring a smile across your face. You can ask for a hug or ten kisses and you get them, with no questions asked. His clingy-ness is unbearable on days when I am exhausted but incredibly heartwarming despite that tiredness.

This is my boy at two.

***

His brother, on the other hand, is growing up a little faster than I had prepared myself for. But who am I kidding? I don’t think any mother is prepared for her child to grow up.

Ben is now often immersed in his own little world, talking and pretend playing with himself, his animal figurines, his Transformers and Lego people. His vocabulary is extensive, often a close imitation and mish mash of what he hears the adults say. He is sensitive and shows his emotions freely, and is now more a person who is eager to please and to be accepted.

It’s all about solving his own problems, working things out by himself and trying his best with him now.

Yea, that’s my eldest. My firstborn. My big darling that’s going through this phase of self-discovery right now.

***

The little girl. Ah, my princess. The one who is getting more girly as days pass. She now wants long hair. She loves dresses. She adores having hair clips and hair ties on her hair and pesters me to comb her hair every day. She has ‘babies’ and loves to play mommy. She even hides in a corner to nurse them, feed them and talk to them.

Yes, this little girl. I don’t know what happened to that tomboy.

Becks is turning 4 next month and is looking quite the stunner with those pretty big eyes and icy smile. Every day, she’s discovering a whole new world and learning what it means to be her own person in it; complete with learning how to handle – and control – her emotions and tantrums. She’s learning that she’s not two anymore, and we’re not going to be accepting bratty hissy fits like we used to put up with when she was in her Terrible Twos. As she begins to understand what is expected of her as she grows up, my darling girl is also blossoming beautifully – both inside and outside.

***

We’re not so much done with growing pains and this is very much the beginning. I’m learning too that my life, as a mother and a person, must not and should not stop as I parent these children, and that I too, must grow, learn, unlearn and relearn to always be appropriate – as opposed to being redundant – in their lives.

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(Self) Examination Milestones and growing up Mommy guilt The Kao Kids Thunderstorm days

Three changes to make starting today

May 26, 2014

There are three things I’d like to change in this house to keep tempers from flaring, fights from starting and resentment from building.

So I’ve told the kids that starting from today we are going to…

#1 Look at each other’s eyes when we speak

#2 Hug A LOT, like ten times a day

#3 Change our understanding of what a time-out means in this house

I realised that amongst the kids they don’t look at each other much when they talk. And between me and the kids, we don’t make much eye contact anymore. I bark a lot of orders from a distance, and even when I say goodnight, I’m practically just spacing out with my back turned against them, facing the littlest whom I’m almost always nursing at bedtime. Their father, on the other hand, constantly reminds them to look at him when he is talking to them, and from what I am observing, the dynamics between them and their father is one of greater respect and better communication.

It took me a while before it finally dawned on me that I have allowed familiarity to set in to breed a good deal of contempt, that we’re taking each other’s presence for granted, and that I have forgotten that one of the many ways to show love to children is to give them lots and lots of eye contact.

Yep, no excuse here. So you can ahead and smack me on the head.

Also, recently I came across this on FB which made me re-evaluate the ‘when’ in giving my hugs.

I hug the kids when I send them off to school. So that’s about only once a day for Ben and Becks and twice a week for Nat. They go for enrichment lessons twice a week, and so that’s another two more hugs. Within a day, I hardly hug them. Ben is so tall now and sometimes when he pounces on me as if to give me a hug, I get annoyed. Nat makes me carry him all the time when we are out and I “hug” him almost reluctantly. Becks hug me from behind on occasions like this – like now when I’m sitting at a desk with my laptop typing this post – and she takes every chance to play hairdresser and I get irritated when she yanks too much hair out while combing.

So these poor children don’t get enough hugs for survival and are even deprived of opportunities to show love.

What a terrible Mommy they have – is what you must say. Go ahead, you can smack me on the head again.

So I’m going to fulfil their hugs quota everyday from today onwards. I don’t care if I need to do this religiously like a Mommy rule to follow – I will have to do it. And I told the kids to give one another as many hugs as they can too. Instead of fighting and pushing and getting angry with one another – which occurs often – let’s try hugging.

I gave them permission to shout ‘group hug’ whenever they need it and we’ll all try to drop whatever we’re doing and come from where we are to give it.

We need to hug at least four times and ideally ten times a day.

Lastly, I’ve going to elevate the status of time-outs at home. No, it WILL NO LONGER be a form of punishment. It will not be about isolating you from the rest of the family because you’re misbehaving. I’m not going to use the cane at a time-out too. I told the kids that whenever I see them losing control, they go for a time-out. And no, it’s not a punishment. It’s not something bad. It’s not even because you’ve done wrong although you might have been wrong. It’s just because you lost control and you need to breathe and calm down. That’s all.

And when they see Mama lose control, they can also ask Mama to go for a time-out because she needs to breathe and calm down and stop hyperventilating, yelling and flailing her arms.

Yea, we’ll be as open as we can that way from now on.

Let’s hope these little changes would improve some things at home, fill their love tanks up and make our home a lovelier one than it already is.

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(Self) Examination Parenting 101 Thunderstorm days

Confessions of a faithful mother

May 23, 2014

“My children shall be taught of the Lord and great shall be their peace.”

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

” Christ in me is the hope of glory.”

P/S: It has been amazing journey blogging and sharing my motherhood with you. After my last post was published (the one about the kids thinking I’m not great), I was overwhelmed to receive your messages, emails and love (you know who you all are). Many of you shared with me how you went through the same thing, how you coped, how you survived. And so many of you wrote me verses to encourage me and remind me that God is faithful and will be with us despite this journey being challenging and arduous. I’m so glad we can learn and lean on one another this way, and even more grateful to be at the receiving end of many kind words.

I’ve compiled something to remind myself to speak aloud everyday as my confession of faith, inspired by all the people who sent verses my way!

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(Self) Examination Family life as we know it Milestones and growing up The Kao Kids Thunderstorm days

My kids don’t think I’m great anymore

May 20, 2014

A few days ago, I hit an all-time low in my SAHM-hood. I was inconsolable (and still am now) and had to mope around for a couple of days before bracing myself to write this post.

It all started with this book:

I’ve read this book to the kids like what, more than 10 times at least, since we had it and the children enjoy the pictures and the heartwarming story in this book by Giles Andreae about all the reasons why the little boy loves his mummy.

The book ends with this, and usually, we’d end our reading of this story with a big group hug and the kids telling me how much they love me:

Until a few nights ago when the kids told me, after the story ended, (and I quote Ben and Becks) that their mummy “is not that great” because “she canes us and shouts at us” and that their mummy is more “lousy” than the mummy in the book who is “so fun” to play with.

When I asked them to explain further and asked if their mommy caned and scolded them for no reason (I spoke as the third person), they said, “Our mummy cane us because we are naughty. But why must she do that? Just tell us nicely lah!”

And even after explaining that it’s a mummy’s role to discipline her children – and even the Bible says that sometimes we need to use the rod to chase foolishness away from a child – they still believed that kind of mummy is “not a good mummy”, not like the one in the book we read so often.

After being exasperated for a while, instead of breaking down as I should with tears already welling up in my eyes, I threw a big adult tantrum, told them to go to bed and to find another mummy. I hinted that I may go back to full-time work afterall, because it seemed like my being around them was not appreciated.

Both of them looked at me, with their eyes wide open, and asked me where they can buy a new mummy. Becks also asked if I could go back to work and hire more aunties to take care of them instead.

***

Quite a blow for the stay-home mum ego, isn’t it? Needless to say, I was horribly shaken by what the kids talked about, and what they could conceive in their minds – that they actually wanted to buy a new mum or even entertained the thought of getting others to replace their mum. At that moment I felt that my two years of sacrifice of staying home has all been for nought. Clearly, they are taking the mum presence for granted; they are seeing me around too much to be actually feeling some tinges of contempt that come with familiarity. I mean, if I were working full time, we’d probably treasure those few hours of seeing one another after a day’s work a lot more. I’ll probably scold them less, let them get away with a lot more things, and make the helper clean up after them more often than not.

Because of the fact that I’ve stayed home, and the recent episode of being maid-less for almost three weeks, they’re witnessing before their eyes how their own mother handles stress and adjusts to the unpredictable situations that life throws our way (which isn’t the best, of course); plus the fact that they are at the age where child-training has to take place so that they learn to be independent, I also tend to do more nagging and scolding than praising and encouraging (which is entirely the way I’ve been wired).

And have you seen the way the kids just complete ignore me whenever I give instructions like “Pack up your toys”, “Don’t litter Lego blocks on the floor”, “Please wear your shoes and get ready to go” and I get at least a whole ten minutes of lag time? Which is TOTALLY ANNOYING. I don’t know what else to do but to raise my voice and holler so that I can get things going.

So the kids think this is totally uncool and that Mama is lousy compared to the storybook mum who probably never yells at her kiddo and always smothers him with cuddles.

***

So, as I was saying, I moped around for some time before finally sitting down to write this. I did a lot of thinking after hearing what the kids said to me. It’s true, motherhood really sometimes brings out the worst in me. I scare myself on those days when I lose it; and I probably would never know this awful side of me if I hadn’t stayed home. It makes me wonder if this is all worth it. I could take the easy way out, spoil them silly and just leave the care-giving to full-day daycare. I mean, that is SO doable. I tell you, working (where I previously came from) is definitely much easier than being home with three young children. Why am I doing this, having to show my worst to the kids on crazy days where there’s chores to be done, disobedient children screaming the house down, tantrums to handle, crayons littering the floor, urine stains on the toilet bowl and toilet paper stuffed in every visible corner in the house?

What’s the point?

Of course, it is also silly to take the things that a five-year-old and four-year-old say too seriously. Why, they are children, and they’d say the darndest anyway. The adult at the receiving end should be bigger, in every sense of the word, and be the bigger, better person in handling the “feedback” and be tough enough to soldier on. Afterall, these are the things a mother has to bear.

***

The kids have assured me that they still love me, and Ben has, through tears, told me that he wants me to stay home still. He seems to fear that I might chuck him in childcare and never caring for him ever again; and I am mindful not to say things that would scar him. Becks still wants me to go back to work, because that to her will solve the “Mama has no money” problem, and so she says, which means I can buy her lots of things to eat and stuffed toys to play with, something which her present thrifty stay-home mother does not indulge her in.

I guess it’s still onward with this stay-home journey, albeit with a little discouragement. I’m choosing to believe that I can try to be a nicer person when stress gets in my way and that the kids were probably stressed out too the past three weeks of us being without live-help such that they don’t like the mother that has become the horrible-always-barking-Mom-maid that they are seeing.

It must have been also tough for them to have to put up with me the past weeks.

At least, I am still loved. Even though I am horrible.

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(Self) Examination Happy days

So 33 is NOT the new 22 afterall…

April 2, 2014

I don’t remember what I was doing at 22 but I was pretty sure life was terrific then with youth on my side. I probably had nary a care in the world and was bumming through my days in university.

I was dating a special someone then and we would spend our weekends watching copious amounts of DVDs from dramas to movies. We would sit at park benches at night and look up to count the stars. We would take long walks by the beach just listening to the sound of waves. We would go on food trails to explore hawker centres and eateries around us, and detox ourselves silly stuffing claypot gong bao ji ding (diced chicken with dried chillies) at Toh Yi Market. It was a form of detoxification because we were guaranteed at least a full day of diarrhea after we ate it. Yet, since we were also still young – and silly – we were mad enough to go back for the experience again and again.

Those were carefree days at 22.

Fast forward 11 years later.

I wished I could declare to myself that 33 is the new 22 as I’ve recently hashtagged on my Instagram but who am I kidding? I don’t get to laze around any more and as long as the kids are in bed by 10pm I don’t really care how many stars there are in the sky. There are more cares on my shoulders today than 11 years ago, and I sometimes worry a lot about how the kids are turning out and how I am burning out. I no longer get to go on food thrills and trails; most of the time I function like a mobile dustbin finishing up what the kids can’t, and the only trail I get is food bits on the floor and ants coming a-marchin’ into our house.

So today, whilst I truly wished I could say in total abandonment and shout it out loud that “33 IS THE NEW 22, YO!”, I would keep that silly notion to myself and wish myself a very blessed 33rd birthday instead.

I am blessed to have enjoyed a little more than 3 decades of life surrounded by people who have poured selflessly into my heart.

That, is all that matters to me, this year.

This year, as I blow out the candles, my birthday wish is for that one man who has given his all to raising me, loving me, putting up with me, coming to my rescue time and time again, and driving me around tirelessly before I met the one I married – for him to never ever give up hope in living and loving life. Let’s celebrate living life together, shall we?

This year, I’m making a wish for Dad

Happy birthday to me!

P/S: Thank you for pampering me silly today, Fatherkao. What a surprise to get a foot rub, a nice dinner out at my favouritest place to eat at T3 and something so charming on my wrist. Even though we no longer take long walks and listen to the sound of waves at East Coast Park, I’m just really happy to be listening to the sound of silence with you every night after the kids have gone to bed. 11 years later, I am still thankful to be able to be doing so many things with you.

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(Self) Examination Milestones and growing up The Kao Kids

A post to say I love you, and thank you

March 26, 2014

My ability to cope with stress is amazing.

Amazingly non-existent, that is.

I hyperventilate on a daily basis and I think my blood pressure shoots up by a few notches whenever I do that. I yell and fluster whenever I feel that I have lost control. I have an incessant need to be in control all the time.

Which is why I think it’s a pretty tough thing being my kid. It’s really not easy living with Mama who’s pretty much all flailing arms and high-screechy-pitched mad on any given day.

And I think my kids are doing an amazing job loving and accepting me as mom despite some of the terrible things I subject them too, like SO MUCH hollering, threatening and explosive outbursts. They love me with no questions, no judgement and no conditions. Every day – whether a good one or bad – they still want me and would unconditionally forgive me and love me for who I am.

I’m a blessed mother because of these children in my life, I tell you. I am grateful to be experiencing kindness and goodness in its purest from these people every day.

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