I have been running kind of low on fuel lately, largely because I’m sort of stuck in this rut of a vicious cycle:

I can’t pinpoint how this all started. Probably at Point Tired Mother. I’m still nursing the youngest at 15 months at least twice a night, picking up the bolster for her royal highness in the middle of the night whenever it rolls off the bed (lest her fits become full blown bratty tantrums), and being awakened ever so often by long conversations Ben has with himself in his sleep. These days, his dreams are also in Chinese, which is totally amusing to listen to.

Actually, I’m also sleep-deprived because I have been catching up on drama serials and reading blogs, e-magazines and articles on my fb news feed because I feel like such a total loser being out of touch with this world after stopping work for three months. After a whole day of talking to kids and doing kids’ stuff, the urge to be back in the adult world couldn’t be greater and stronger.

And something awful happens every time I clock less than 6 hours of sleep. I start to grow alligator jaws.

Then I run the household the next day snapping at everyone that annoys me and going batshitcrazy, barking and hollering at the kids from breakfast to tuck-in.

Well, I did try going Orange Rhino on myself. There’s been good days. And then there were also MANY days I failed miserably.

So, as I feel utterly defeated in this mothering endeavour, I find myself having to deal with incessant mom guilt and wanting to escape. I start shutting myself off from the kids. It’s not rocket science to know what would follow: kids running on an empty (love) tank start seeking attention from Mama who’s not available emotionally, and sometimes even mentally and physically.

The poor kids start crying out for L.O.V.E. in their worst behaviour. Kids don’t put on their best when they are deprived.

There you have it. This is how I got stuck in this rut. Is this also a good time to say “FML”?

~~~

A few days ago, I had an epiphany. What if the starting point isn’t Tired Mother? What if the starting point had all along been the fact that I wasn’t convinced that everyday the kids need 100% of me?

What if I fixed that?

What if I quit looking at the phone and iPad, give them lots of eye contact and just be with them?

I’m thinking, perhaps, just perhaps, the bad behaviour, rowdiness, restlessness and attention-seeking antics would gradually diminish into non-existence, and that may just be my way out of this rut.

Into this virtuous cycle:

I started giving more of myself today than yesterday with Ben, Becks and Nat at breakfast, at play, while homelearning, and at tuck-in.

Today, I connected with the kids a wee bit more, instead of performing routine tasks.

Today, I held my tongue from barking and judging, and listened a little more than what I used to.

Today, I decided I will be present in their lives. To give them my 100%.

I think I should make this decision every day.