I’ve been running the household based on my mood these days and have become quite the arsehole at home. I’ve never taken well to stress all my life and I can snap at anyone who comes close with my alligator jaws when I feel like I can’t handle life anymore.

So, life with three has. been. stressful. I have three now crying for every single piece of me whenever I’m available, which is 24/7 and even beyond. This week upped the stress levels to the max, thanks much to the construction that’s been going on a floor below us. I’d wished my neighbors would at least have the courtesy to tell us they’ve sold their place so I can check in to a hotel and have some sanity. Add to the unbearable noise pollution sick kids and you can pretty much picture me tearing my hair and yelling whenever someone gets whiny or misbehaves; after which I’d feel so bad I’d swing to the other extreme of plonking them in front of the tv and giving out special treats.

Much to fatherkao’s dismay, I’ve strayed off the path of our parenting agreement. I lost control (of myself). I became inconsistent (with discipline). I think I’ve also crushed my kids with some really harsh words and outbursts. I’ve been a bad mother.

I don’t know how other moms deal with such days. I’ve given up having pity parties and beating myself up. I don’t know how anyone can look after three babies and still smile and chill. For that matter, how does Michelle Duggar do it? She’s absolutely incredible; well, at least on tv. I’ve never seen her lose her temper. I read her blog for inspiration – she has 19 kids and all of them are talented, well-behaved and God-loving. I’d wished often enough to be more patient and less edgy. I wished I was a better mother and not swing from one end of the pendulum to the other, scaring the crap out of my own kids. I’d wished I had more love (and then some more) to give to these babies who mean the world to me. I wished I had a bigger capacity to fill their lives without being drained myself.

These days, apart from the wishing, I tell myself this: 

Onward with the motherhood journey.