I wished they had a little reminder service at the delivery suite after you’ve popped the baby. You know, like the kind of public announcements you hear over the PA system. Hospitals should so get the midwives to do a recording and have it played immediately as they hand the mother her baby. Or at least have one midwife read this out loud.

It should go something like this:

“Congratulations. You’ve just delivered your baby. See that little bundle… ahhh… Now, whether it will be, in the days and weeks and months to come, a bundle of joy or tyranny solely depends on how you and your baby work some things out. You two gotta cooperate; work together, y’know. So first, there’ll be the feeding and if you choose to breastfeed, how the two of you fare in the first month will determine if the baby will be breastfed for more months after. It’s a make or break thing, so Momma, you gotta try. Massage your breasts, stimulate the supply, drink lots of horrible papaya fish soup. Baby, you gotta latch on. You gotta suckle awake and not doze off. Your Momma will be counting on you to relieve the pressure and pain from her breasts. She actually needs you more than she thinks.

Of course, by now, Momma, you’ve already heard: you’ll have the two hourly feeds, incessant baby waking and crying, engorged breasts, pain from your episiotomy, constipation (because you probably wouldn’t dare to push anything out anymore), the bulging tummy (still!), stretch marks and really, really dark eye rings. You won’t be able to figure out why Baby is crying on most days and may even suffer from post-natal depression. Your hormones will be adjusting again, and you would sometimes laugh or cry, or laugh and cry for no reason. You’ll also feel really, really weird that Baby is no longer inside you and may live in denial for a couple of days. The above-mentioned applies to any mother, regardless of the number of children you’ve had. In short, you’ll feel shitty.

And that is not all, Momma. On top of that which you’ll have to deal with (and how long they last cannot be predicted by anyone), you’ll suffer from two kinds of torture. The first begins about two months post-partum. It’s called itching. The area around your waist, tummy, thighs and bum will have you scratching like there’s no tomorrow. Good news is, it’s painless. Bad news is, it’ll drive you crazy. Nobody can explain this, really. Perhaps it’s hormonal. Or stress. Or both. Some lucky mommies don’t get tortured, while some do. Good luck on that.

The second begins three months post-partum. When your baby starts to smile, it’s almost a sign that this will begin. Good news is, it’s painless too. Bad news: it’ll drive you even crazier. It’s called hair-loss. Supposedly no hair fell off while you were preggers. Now they will all begin to do so – in clumps – and will last six to nine months. You will also start crying in the shower when this happens. Be prepared. Get hair tonic. Or shampoo with XO. That’s what old gramps used to do.

So to sum up this very long announcement, you will need to figure out this baby yourself. You’ll also need to watch your diet and exercise should you want to lose the bulge and not have colleagues ask when you’ll be due when you return to work. You will also have to handle after-birth pains, breastfeeding problems, lochia and perineal care, constipation and hemorrhoids, mood swings and depression, the itch and hair loss in the days and weeks and months to come.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the hospital.”

 My youngest son, Baby Nat, has gone all chuckly and giggly on me. For the third time now, I’m scratching like a monkey, gasping at every strand of hair falling off and thinking I need to go “staple my piles” (in the exact words of my gynae).