Throughout the short four years I’ve been a mother, I’ve devoured a couple of parenting books. Some were forgettable, and some stuck with me and influenced, in some ways, the way I’m parenting. I’d thought I’ll review some of these books and start a series on good reads that can serve as a resource for myself (and you out there) who’d like to revisit some Parenting 101. In each review, I’ll share my takeaways and more importantly, the things that I’ve caught from the heart of the author.
A dear friend and colleague learned that I was struggling a fair bit with Becks as she entered her Terrible Two stage. Some time last year, I was pleasantly surprised to find this book on my desk at work!
This book, The New Strong-Willed Child, by Dr James Dobson, not only gave me a clearer understanding of my daughter, it also took me through a (rather painful) journey of uncovering and knowing myself all over again. Undoubtedly, in terms of the strength of the will, both Becks and I score on the high side. We are the assertive, aggressive and independent breed of people whose temperaments are “prepackaged before birth”, as Dr Dobson puts it. I was looking for answers and help to deal with my strong-willed daughter (who is very much like myself) and I was so blessed by the godly advice and encouragement provided by Dr Dobson in his book. Thank God for this man and his ministry!
Here are some key takeaways from the book:
1) On shaping the will: “If the strong-willed child is allowed by indulgence to develop ‘habits’ of defiance and disrespect during his or her early childhood, those characteristics will not only cause problems for her parents, but will ultimately handicap the child whose rampaging will was never brought under self-control.” That is why it is of utmost importance that we must begin teaching respect for authority while our children are very young.
2) On protecting the spirit: As parents, we need to shape the will without breaking the spirit. Dr Dobson admits that “hitting both targets is something easier said than done”. This is accomplished by “establishing reasonable boundaries in advance and then enforcing them with love, while avoiding any implications that a child is unwanted, unnecessary, foolish, ugly, dumb, burdensome, embarrassing, or a terrible mistake”.
3) On the most ineffective approach: Anger only “emphasises impotence”, “does not influence behaviour unless it implies that something irritating is about to happen”, and should “never become a tool to get children to behave when we have run out of options and ideas”. Authority, which is conveyed mostly by confidence and determination, is what creates respect.
*Note to motherkao from Dr Dobson: You don’t need anger to control children. You do need strategic action. You need to exhibit an attitude of confident authority. You have the power to decide on a logical course of action without needing to be exasperated or frustrated.
4) On child-rearing: Healthy parenting can be boiled down to two essential ingredients: love and control. Children tend to thrive best in an environment where these two ingredients, love and control, are present in balanced proportions.
5) On attitudes: Good attitudes are modelled by parents and then reinforced in the every day, not during a brief bedtime prayer or pep talk.
6) On sibling rivalry: “Recognise that the hidden ‘target’ of sibling rivalry is you.” True that. Now, whenever Ben and Becks fight, I bend down, look at them in the eye and say, “Guys, I don’t want to watch this. Can I please ask you to go into the room now and fight? When you’re done, come out and tell me who won, k?” This always works. Always.
Here’s one thing I caught from the heart of the author:
“Keep the tenor of the home pleasant, fun, and accepting. At the same time, however, parents should display confident firmness in their demeanour. You, Mom and Dad, are the boss. You are in charge. If you believe it, the tougher child will accept it also.”
I’m learning every day to do this. I’m also laying hands on my daughter every night and praying that the Holy Spirit conquer her strong will without destroying her spirit, and that I’d be a mother who will lovingly guide her with understanding and the appropriate kind of discipline. Not an easy job, but with prayer and practice, I shall soldier on.
