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(Self) Examination Love language Parenting 101 Re: learning and child training The Kao Kids

Understanding the five love languages [Part 2]

October 3, 2012

According to Dr Gary Chapman, to be their best, children need to feel loved. But if you and your child speak different love languages, your affection might get lost in translation, affecting the child’s attitude, behavior, and development.

In order to make a more concerted effort to demonstrate affection that doesn’t get lost in translation, I got Ben to try the Love Languages Personal Profile Online Assessment for Children.

For a child to attempt the online test himself, he needs to be be able to read and understand the two sentences presented in each question and choose the one he prefers to have Mom and Dad say to him. Since Ben is only three-half, I sat him down and paraphrased the statements in a way he could understand. For example, instead of reading out loud “Let’s go to the movies”/ “I’m gonna race you”, I would say, “Ben, do you like Dada to say ‘I wanna play catching with you’ or do you like it when he says ‘Let’s watch Transformers together’? Which one makes you excited?” I contextualised every question for him so we can find out which of these speaks his primary love language: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

The darling patiently sat through 20 questions, and I was one happy mom. The verdict: his primary love language, as I have always known, actually, is Quality Time and Receiving Gifts. The two scores were almost similar.

I also intend to cull about ten questions from the online quiz and tailor it to even smaller bite-sized pieces for my two-year-old. I need to understand her and speak her love language. Wait, that’s an understatement. Make that I desperately need to demonstrate love towards her and yell her love language so she wouldn’t act up all the time to get my attention. I already had my heart broken last week when she wanted to leave home.

It’s not easy being mom. And wife. For the big and little ones that matter to you, you gotta figure out what makes them tick and what they will interpret as love, and that itself needs a lot of learning, unlearning and relearning. Plus you need to speak their love language and practise demonstrating affection that resonates on a daily basis. Hopefully, that will also be a whole lot more rewarding and meaningful. I’m just glad this online tool is available for me to revisit the five love languages and take a step forward to becoming a better mother and wife. You should try it to understand the people that matter in your life a little bit more!

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(Self) Examination Love language Parenting 101 Re: learning and child training The Kao Kids

Understanding the five love languages [Part 1]

October 2, 2012

Is it ever possible to “love your children EQUALLY?”, and by equal, I mean, the same in degree and value?

I don’t think that it’s ever humanly possible; it’s not as if my love for my kid exists as one whole to be divided into three equal parts — one-third for Ben, one-third for Nat and one-third for Becks. I think those people who claim to love their kids equal are just saying that for the sake of making their kids (and themselves) feel good, but realistically it’s just not possible if you have more than one.

For one, I think it’s perfectly fine to love one or the other more on some days. Like when a little one falls ill. Or scrapes his knees. Or gets bullied by a friend. It’s inevitable that you’ll love one or the other a little bit more when he or she needs it more. That’s how God loves us, isn’t it? When you need it, when you’re especially down, He gets close and loves you just a little bit more. The sun shines for you. The rainbow appears for you. The gentle breeze kisses your face when you need that refreshing touch.

Above all, I think as parents, what’s of utmost importance is not sweating the issue of whether our children feel that our love towards them and their siblings is equal in parts, but more importantly that we’re speaking their love language and that whatever we do is translated into them FEELING they have been, and are loved.

You can love someone very dearly; but if you don’t speak that someone’s love language, it’ll never be felt and that can leave a great sense of disconnect. So if my love language is physical touch, and you come to me and pour me a nice cup of tea after a hard day’s work, I’d probably think ‘yea, nice gesture, how thoughtful’ but won’t go all mushed up inside as compared to you coming over to give me a big bear hug.

In other words, it’s not our job as parents to strive to love our children equally (it’s futile and frustrating to try to do that anyway); it’s learning the primary way of how our kids express and interpret love, and doing and saying the right thing according to their language of love. That will eliminate any sense of unfairness they perceive and help parents find their bearings as they find their way around a child’s web of emotions.

To know more about the five love languages — Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch — check out Dr Gary Chapman’s website (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/).

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Family life as we know it Mommy guilt

The return of Mommy guilt

September 27, 2012

I never thought much about the middle child syndrome until I had a middle child. Yes, the one that’s born after the firstborn and before the baby. The one who would sometimes feel unloved and uncared for, being sandwiched in between. The one who feels dethroned as the baby of the family.

It’s not been easy handling my middle child. She’s one interesting babe. She plays with abandonment, laughs and cries at the same time and can go insanely wild and happy for no particular reason. But she’s also prone to tantrums, tempers and outbursts, and she bites, hits and throws things whenever she gets upset.

It’s been even tougher to deal with the realisation that what I see in my little girl is the exact replica of what I am, deep down truly. That same stubborn streak. That irrationality that doesn’t listen to logic. That strongheadedness. She’s angsty and feisty — just like me. It’s ironic that faced with a person like myself, I am at a loss as to how to handle her, train her and demonstrate love towards her. Maybe it’s because I don’t even know how to handle myself sometimes.

So last night, after an eventful evening of six tantrums from the little girl and a few whackings, some unkind words and table-banging from me, Becks announced she wanted to find her teacher at daycare and proceeded to bawl for her. She said she didn’t want any of us anymore (no, not even her father, brother and baby brother) and even put on her shoes and stood at the door. I opened the gate and she actually stepped out! I kept asking why she wanted the teacher and not us, but all she could do was cry. It was when I told her that I will not follow her because I belonged to this house, and she shouldn’t go because she belonged here as well, that she came back home and allowed me to hold her and hug her. I told her I loved her very much, but all she did was shook her head profusely.

Then, I asked her, “Becks, who does Mama love?”

Her answer to me last night was enough to send my heart into a wrenching spasm of sorts. She answered, “Kor Kor and Di Di“.

All I could think of in bed last night was what a bad, bad mother I’ve been.

My dear Becks, I really love you. You’re my little princess and you’re treasured more than you think you are. I know Mama hasn’t been all that kind and tender towards you and you have been feeling like you are always left out and unloved. It’s not true. Mama is also learning to deal with the host of intense emotions that comes with being your Mama!

Mama doesn’t only love Kor Kor and Di Di. You’re loved too and I hope you will believe that.

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Homelearning fun The Kao Kids

Homeschooling my kids one lesson at a time

September 27, 2012

The plan to stay home and homeschool the kids has been more or less firmed up and I am mentally prepping myself everyday. I won’t be yelling “Bring it on!” yet, but I am working at it slowly, running trial lessons with the kids in the evenings when I return from work.

I received the Hands-on Homeschooling curriculum I ordered from the States, and started on the two-year-old curriculum after going through (and digesting) the four hundred-page folder. This month, we read about Jesus multiplying five loaves of bread and two fish and learned what it means to be thankful. We also traced straight and curvy lines, first with our fingers, then with a crayon. The kids practised drawing straight lines with a ruler (I seriously didn’t know this had to be taught) and coloured fishes, balls and insects.

I also did up a little gallery in the living room to showcase the kids’ work.

Don’t let me fool you. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I have to admit, it has been tough doing this homeschooling-lesson gig. For one, I am sorely lacking in the patience department and I spend most of my time having to deal with my inability to handle my emotions of being frustrated and annoyed by the kids. I’m so used to engagement of the intellectual kind that I often forget that children need a lot of affirmation, compliments and repetition. Plus, I have to very purposefully differentiate the lesson for Ben and Becks. Ben is three-half and Becks just turned two, so development-wise, they are at different milestones, learning and accomplishing different things. I have to constantly deal with one or the other getting disinterested, unengaged and seeking attention, while at the same time keeping my temper in check and being generous with praise when some parts of the task are being completed. Add to that, the baby is often hungry and needing the Mama-touch in the evenings because he still dislikes drinking from the bottle at daycare — and you’ll see a mad woman in the house thinking to herself this is just mission impossible.

But I’m glad that the kids would always look forward to the next lesson cos’ whenever they see me go into the study, they would go “Are we having lessons now, Mama?”, and I would always make a mental note to myself that this Mama can do better as their teacher the next time.

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I can't categorise such entries

May you find some comfort here

September 24, 2012

The blog’s been silent for a while because it has been difficult to write.

Someone dear has lost someone dear; and I am, in my own ways, grieving for her loss.

I think it’s just incredibly painful to say goodbye to someone whom you know you can love forever.

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Ben Kao The darndest kid quotes and antics

Rock-a-bye-baby’s desperate mommy

September 17, 2012

My three-year-old and I have been conversing every night lately. While I nurse my six-month-old infant, Ben would snuggle close to me and start a conversation. He asks me questions about what it’s like to be on a plane, why people fight wars and how flowers grow. I’m always amazed at how much he knows and even more amazed by how much he wants to know. That hunger for knowledge to satisfy all the “whys” in his head is truly impressive.

So just a few nights ago, he asked me to sing him a lullaby. He specifically requested for Rock-a-bye-baby. I didn’t think much of the request, so I started to sing. To my surprise, he stopped me after every line to ask me what each line meant. What do you mean by on the treetop, Mama? Why would the wind blow? Why would the bough break? Why would the baby come down with the cradle?

He practically analysed the whole song like I would in prac crit for my Lit papers. He didn’t do it with academic intentions (no, he’s only three!) but for the one sole purpose of asking me this question:

“Where is the baby’s mama, Mama? Why would she leave the baby there? AND to let him fall?” My three-year-old is traumatised by rock-a-bye-baby’s irresponsible mother.

For the purpose of this post, I googled the history of the song and found out why mommies would leave their babies on the treetop. Native American women rocked their babies in birch bark cradles, which were suspended from the higher branches of a tree, allowing the wind to shake the infant to sleep. [Source & picture from nursery-rhymes.org]

Gonna have to tell Ben that the babies probably gave their mommies hell for not sleeping, which explains why these mommies would be desperate enough to put them on the branch of a tree!

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Going Out! The Kao Kids

Zoo: Default place to go if it doesn’t rain

September 15, 2012

We’ve been making good use of our zoo family membership to zip in and out of the zoo for one to two hours on weekday afternoons and weekend mornings. My eldest son, would lead the pack, by deciding which exibits he wished to see for each visit.

So far, we’ve had breakfast with Ah Meng’s descendants

Said hello to the parrots at every visit

Watched Stan the Sealion somersault and splash around

Gone on horsey rides and learned the difference between horses, ponies and falabellas

We can’t wait for Kai Kai and Jia Jia (not just because I can point out the similarity between them and me) so we can see some real kungfu panda moves!

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Everyday fun! Product Reviews

More stix-ky fun [and a discount code for you]

September 15, 2012

I posted some time ago about how my kids made little crawlies out of the Wikki Stix Mini Play Pak sent to us.

I left the Wikkis at our bomb shelter and told them to fiddle with them to create whatever their imagination takes them whenever they want; and when I last checked, this was what I saw:

Something about a monster having his heart locked up in a box. Uh-ok…

*Good news for readers of this blog*: You can now enjoy a 10% discount off any online purchase of Wikki Stix this month. Just quote the discount code Blog1209 upon checking out. They deliver worldwide with no minimum purchase. There are Wikkis in 3 lengths: 6 inch, 8 inch and 3 feet-long ones called Super Wikkis! Check out Wikki Stix here.

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Milestones and growing up The Kao Kids The real supermom What to Expect... As a Mother

Bye bye sleep training, bring on co-sleeping

September 11, 2012

The marriage bed has lost its sanctity. I thought I could preserve it, but alas. I have also officially lost the battle in sleep training.

Everyone’s now on our bed, in our room, every night; while fatherkao sleeps alone in the children’s room. So much for buying fancy bunk beds and cartoon bedsheets. For the kids, it’s not what they sleep on, but who they sleep with that matters.

So for a while now, we’re all sleeping in the master bedroom. Tuck-ins start at 9pm. Baby’s on my chest, Ben’s on my left and Becks is on my right. They fall asleep after a lot of nagging and threatening (of Mr Cane coming) from me.

We’ve managed to squeeze a toddler bed from IKEA and a toddler mattress on the floor in the master bedroom to accommodate everyone, so by 10pm when they all fall asleep, I shift everyone into position: Ben sleeps on the floor, Becks sleeps on the bed next to mine, and I sleep with the baby. Like this:

But with this arrangement, I shuttle around the room every night on a three hourly basis on good nights and an hourly basis on bad ones.

12am: Ben discovers he is alone on the floor. He gets up and cries. I awake (usually with great annoyance) and pat him to sleep in the little corner where his mattress is. On good nights, he sleeps through and gets over the fact the mother-presence is a metre away. On bad ones, he wakes up again and crawls onto the bed to search for my armpit and snuggles under it. Don’t ask me why. I think he feels very tucked in and safe under it.

2.39am: Baby Nat stirs and looks for the mother-presence, usually with his rooting reflex in full gear, ready to suckle for comfort. I indulge his bad, bad habit. Since going to infantcare, he has had the sniffles frequently and my heart has been broken so many times to see him ill. And so he suckles, left and right and right and left, all night long. And by the way, I do the moving from left to right and right to left – the baby doesn’t.

4.58am: Becks whines and asks for milk. Her night wakings have become less frequent, so on good nights she usually wakes up at this time to ask for milk. Some nights I ignore her and she falls asleep again. Some nights I roll over to her bed and hold her tight and speak to her in a soft voice telling her to wait till it’s “wakey wakey” time. Some nights she badgers till the baby wakes up and Ben starts stirring, and I do a shuttle run and make her milk at the fastest possible speed to stop her from crying the house down. Some nights she gives me hell even before this time with her night terror screams and I’m like running from one corner of the room to the other in a semi-conscious state making sure everyone is ok. During those nights, if they all wake up in shock and can’t go back to sleep, I gather everyone like a mother hen and we all huddle on the bed.

6.20am: Time for motherkao to wake up

My night duty applies for both weekdays and weekends. I’d thought if I delay tuck-ins a little later on weekends, the kids would probably be knocked out and not have me perform this running about in a groggy state, but boy was I wrong about that.

I’m severely sleep deprived. I’m so glad Kai Kai and Jia Jia are coming soon. I hear they are on a ten-year loan from China. Tis’ great cos’ for the next ten years of my life I will bring my kids to the zoo and teach them personification with illustrations: my mother is a panda.

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