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(Self) Examination Mommy guilt Thunderstorm days

Mega meltdown, monster-style

April 16, 2013

The background

Our new routine is proving to be quite a challenge to coordinate naptimes and bedtimes with three kids reaching different milestones. Ben is now able to drop his nap and go down for 12 hours straight from 9 to 9. Becks still need at least an hour of naptime so she wouldn’t get cranky at dinnertime. And Nat practically just sleeps whenever he wants however long he wants. I’ve been trying to divide and conquer on most afternoons, and it has worked for a while, until yesterday. After returning from kindy, Becks gets tucked in first and it’s like our special time together. After she falls asleep, I tuck Nat in. Ben gets to play on his own while waiting for me, and when I emerge victorious, usually an hour later, we do a special project and some learning together.

There’s no problem except that sometimes Becks doesn’t wish to nap even though she’s tired and only falls asleep at around 4.30 and refuses to wake till 6ish in the evening. She needs that nap so she can have her dinner (she won’t eat when she’s tired). I need her to have that nap so night terror doesn’t strike at night for her (she has a history of this whenever she’s overstimulated). But if she sleeps for more than an hour in the afternoons, she has problems falling asleep at bedtime.

At night, I usually divide and conquer again. I tell Ben because he skipped his nap, he must be the first to go to bed, and I tuck in both boys, leaving the little girl to play on her own till both boys have fallen asleep. This works on days when she’s in the mood to be on her own. Some days she can be very sticky and insists on following me everywhere I go, which also means she would enter the room and yak non stop, which can be very annoying for the boys who are trying to get some rest.

The story

So yesterday, our little girl took a nap longer than she should, woke up throwing a tantrum because she wanted to sleep more, and basically ruined a lovely evening we all could have had together. When it’s time for her brothers to go to bed, she insisted that she was tired (at 9.30) and lay on her bed talking and singing, giggling and tossing (she was clearly NOT tired) and only went down after I smacked her bum 15 minutes before midnight. She made me lie next to her, pat her, massage her, pray with her, answer her questions – and sometimes drifting in and out of sleep before fighting it again – for two frigging hours.

I only managed to get some rest after midnight. I went to bed very frustrated having wasted so much precious time.

At 7 this morning, guess who sprang up first? The little girl got up quite happy, prodded her little brother who’s sleeping on the floor (with me) and they both scampered out of the room to play ball.

Half an hour later, she decided it’s no fun playing with him, and came to holler at me. It’s her way of waking me up. Now, I know a loving, gentle, ever selfless mom would spring up, give her a big hug, say “good morning” and get ready to spend some time with her little ones. I’m clearly not one. I pulled the blanket over my head and begged her to let me sleep. I told her she could go read a book, play with her toys or just hang around the baby.

Well, those options were clearly not what she wanted to do. She proceeded to sulk herself into a tantrum, yank my blanket away from me, hit me on the head and threw a fit by crying into my ears and screaming into my face.

Now, I know a loving, gentle, ever selfless mom would by now wake up, lovingly discipline the child for throwing the tantrum, give her some breakfast and a big bear hug.

No surprises here, but I’m clearly not one. I pleaded with her to let me sleep an hour more, asked her to go away and stop her screaming. When she didn’t, I left the room, shut the door to the master bedroom, and tried to go back to sleep.

But someone decided to bang the door, scream even louder and up the volume of her crying after I did that, and that was when it happened.

I lost it. I could have walked into the shower, taken a warm bath and walked out of the room a loving and gentle mom, and give her the attention she needed. But I didn’t. I flew into a rage. I opened the door, picked her up, flung her onto the bed like a big bad bully. I took the cane out, smacked her bum uncontrollably (she’s got diapers on) and yelled repeatedly, “DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DON’T LET ME SLEEP, I WILL TURN INTO A MONSTER? NOW I’M A MONSTER!” I just kept on yelling and caning the bed (she’s rolled away by now) until I was exhausted and collapsed onto the bed.

The resolution

What else would I feel but a huge surge of mom guilt overwhelming my entire being. I felt rotten and terrible for smacking her out of anger. I held her tight and told her I was sorry for being such a nasty mother. We both sobbed ourselves to sleep. When she woke up again after 45 minutes, she gave me a huge smile and asked, “Mama, are we going to the playground first, then to kindergarten?” She didn’t seem to remember what had just happened, or maybe she did; but one thing I knew: she forgave me. I carried her to the playground and had breakfast with the kids while they played. Before I sent her off to school, I kissed her on her cheek and said, “I love you very much, you know?” She nodded and hugged me back.

I thank God for His mercies which are new every morning. And for a daughter who extends forgiveness readily to her monster mom. I am loved despite having failed, and this is truly grace.

Dear Sweetheart, may you grow and blossom to be a woman of grace – someone who’s beautiful inside and outside. I’m learning each day to be a better Mama to you and am grateful for your forgiveness and love.

Also linking up with:

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I ♥ lists

5 random facts about this blog (& blogger)

April 12, 2013

1. Before I started this blog, everything was journalled by pen on paper. I wrote letters to the kids, each one of them – while I was preggers with them, and after they were born. Sweet thing to do, one would say, but very tiring indeed.

2. I started blogging in 2008 at ‘Of Pancakes and Panache’. I rambled and mused, and shared some snippets of my life baking, eating and having a chinchilla. And like every first time mum, I recorded boring details of having Ben as the centre of my universe.

3. I started ‘The Musings of Motherkao’ at the encouragement of my colleague who asked me to write about my life in Comedy Central because the stories I told of my kids cracked her up everyday. When I asked my husband what he thought, he was all for making our already hilarious lives public, and so started my journey of blogging away.

4. I’m very glad to have started this blog because I no longer need to report to anyone who wants to know how the kids are doing.

5. I wanted to be able to laugh at myself, so I *finally* embraced taking on my husband’s surname that was similar to a bovine. My friends now call me Motherkao instead of my name, and I’d like to think that that’s because they envy my wild life with three in the barn.

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Family life as we know it Milestones and growing up

Too far moments in history

April 10, 2013

Tonight the kids shared a moment in history which may never repeat itself in the months to come.

Nat, at 14 months, is finally drinking his milk from the bottle. Not much, but 10ml is good enough for a mother who has been trying to bottle-feed him since Day 1.

And so, we lined all three of them up for a photo to remember. Because soon enough, somebody’s gotta start drinking milk from the cup, or not even have the night milk feed at all (especially when it’s time to start toilet training for the night).

Soon enough, each of them would go on to reach their age-appropriate developmental milestones as they grow in the days and months ahead.

They might not be holding the bottle like they did today – together, at the same time.

And tonight, for the first time in my life, I allowed my mind to wander yonder to think about the moments in history which would only happen once. Like…

…2015 is the only year all three children would be preschoolers. Nat would be 3 (pre-nursery), Becks 5 (Kindergarten 1) and Ben 6 (Kindergarten 2).

…2019 will be the first of the three years to follow that they would all be primary schoolers.

…2025 will be the year that they will share a moment in history again. That would be the only year all three would be in Secondary school.

As I counted their ages with each progressive year, I began to feel a lump growing in my throat.

By the time I reached 2025, the lump in my throat got way too huge to swallow.

In the short span of time thinking, I also started to have a headache. The numbers 2015, 2019 and 2025 made my head throb. It’s crazy enough to be doing those mental sums and then imagining what life would be like with my children all grown up, and having to deal with that lump that’s still growing in the throat.

So for now, in 2013 – every day this year – they will still be my babies.

Now that helped me gulp the lump away.

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Happy days

Birthday sweetness (and forever 21)

April 9, 2013

I turned a year older last week on a quiet Tuesday. The kids had some lessons with me at home, followed by kindy, as usual. After school, they picked out an ice cream cake at my favourite ice-creamery and then came home to nap. That was how most of the day went.

Until I was pleasantly surprised with a specially planned birthday dinner with family and friends at Cafe Hideout, a bistro just downstairs our place. My husband got Charles, the chef and owner, to specially prepare a menu to celebrate the occasion; and invited a few close friends and my family to have dinner with us.

We had the entire place to ourselves, brought our own champagne, and feasted into the night, with free-flow bread in the basket, Charles’ cream of tomato soup, trio of appetizers, huge slabs of pork ribs with mushroom risotto, and apple crumble for dessert.

The night was concluded with a Baskin Robbins ice cream birthday cake of chocolate goodness!

I went home with the feeling of sweetness through and through. I’m truly blessed and thankful to be spending this ordinary day with the extraordinary people in my life that matter most to me. Thank you to those who came and made it extra special, and thank you to the love of my life, who never fail to make my life sweeter than it already is.

P/S: Cafe Hideout serves the best meat sauce pasta and aglio olio, in my opinion. Chef Charles’ striploin steak and white wine butter sauce mushroom tagliatelle are a must-try if you’re there.

Disclaimer: Motherkao received no monetary compensation for this post, and opinions are strictly my own. I believe good things must be shared, so do check out this cafe that serves great food! More info on their FB page here.

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The darndest kid quotes and antics Uncategorized

Little Miss B strikes again

April 4, 2013

On the bus one day on our way to kindy…

Becks: (singing) Cop the Builder… yea yea yea… Cop the Builder…

Preschooler boy seated in front: (singing louder) Bob the Builder, can we fix it! Bob the Builder, yes we can! Bob the builder, can we fix it… Bob the Builder….

Becks: Mama, I’m singing…

Me: Yes, I know.

Becks: But the boy is also singing.

Me: But well, he’s singing the right thing, my dear.

Becks: HEY YOU! COPYBOY!

Me: *facepalm*

Someday, I’ll be different, Mom.

Becks: When I grow up to be a boy, I’ll do what kor kor do. I can pass urine like him.

Me: WHAT???

Becks: I SAID, I will be a boy WHEN I GROW UP! Then I can stand up to pass urine!

Me: The truth is, you’ll grow up to be a lady. You will not be a boy. And you will NOT stand up to pass urine.

Becks: Then I don’t friend you.

Me: ???

*For the record, my little girl refuses to squat to pee. She stands up to do it (while in the shower) and I caught her trying to use the urinal yesterday.

Please be ladylike

Me: Goodnight, Becks. Close your eyes and sleep.

Becks: Goodnight, Mama. Ok, Mama.

Me: What are you doing? I said close your eyes and sleep. Why are you lifting up your shirt?

Becks: (inaudible babble)

Me: You’re a lady for crying out loud. How many times have I told you not to lift up your shirt?

Becks: Shhh! I’m feeding my babies la!!

Me: *facepalm*

7 Comments

Product Reviews

Comfortably natural [Product review, Part 2]

April 2, 2013

My boys have always latched on direct and hated to be bottle-fed. Ben only started really drinking from a milk bottle when he was much older at around 18 months, when he was able to hold it himself and had to follow the routines of daycare. Nat still is a suckler; and if you asked him, he would tell you he’d prefer his milk warm, straight from the source, thank you very much. Feeding him milk from the bottle is an epic battle of wills in itself one should avoid at all costs unless one is prepared to be deafened by yelling and injured by scratching.

Who’s the one that loves the bottle? The little girl. Becks has indicated that preference very early in her life, when latching got difficult and she refused to persevere. She’s the best person to review the new Natural feeding bottles Philips AVENT sent us recently.

All along, I’ve never used a milk bottle with a wide neck. I’ve stuck to using those long, thin classic bottles. I was surprised how wideneck bottles made filling milk powder so easy. I didn’t need to aim each scoop of milk powder. With long, thin bottles, your aiming’s gotta be perfect so milk powder wouldn’t scatter, and when it does (as often), I’d always have to wipe so ants wouldn’t come a’marching. Just this alone is reason enough for me to consider changing all the bottles at home to wideneck ones!

No aiming required when filling the milk bottle – I’m snapping a picture with my right hand while filling milk with my left!

The new Natural feeding bottle is designed to make bottle feeding natural for the baby. It features a wide, breast-shaped teat that promises high acceptance and an almost instant latch-on, so the transition between breast and bottle-feeding can be smooth. Technically speaking, the tester for this should be Nat; he’s the one that needs to learn to feed from the bottle. But alas, he is not ready to make the switch yet. I’ll definitely make him try this bottle when he’s a little older.

So Tester Becks used it, and she’s been using it every night. The Natural bottle is easy to hold with its ergonomic shape designed for grip in any direction and maximum comfort. One thing I also noticed about the Philips AVENT Natural bottle is that the teat doesn’t collapse. Its unique comfort petals are flexible yet firm. The three parts of the bottle (teat, ring and bottle) are also easy to clean and assemble.

The Natural teat

The new ergonomic design

I asked Becks which bottle she preferred – the old or the new – and she says she likes to hold her new Natural bottle, though I wished the bottles came more colourfully designed so I can buy a different design to personalise the bottle for each of my children. Some patterns and prints would be nice!

And this is how the little girl drinks her milk every night. Well, if she likes it, she’ll have it!

Becks, the bottle and Avery, the Philips AVENT bear

More details:

The Philips AVENT Natural feeding bottle (BPA-free polypropylene) retails at $20.90 for the Single 260ml pack and $36.90 for the Twin pack. The 125ml Single pack retails at $17.90 and $30.90 for the Twin pack.
The Philips AVENT Natural feeding bottle (BPA-free borosilicate type 1 glass) retails at $18.90 for the 120ml Single pack and $22.90 for the 240ml Single pack.

Disclosure: I received the single electric Comfort breastpump and the 260ml Twin pack Natural range feeding bottles for the purpose of this review. This post is part of a series of sponsored conversations by Philips AVENT.

I reviewed the Philips AVENT Comfort breastpump too. Read about my experience here.

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Product Reviews

Comfortably natural [Product review, Part 1]

April 2, 2013

On the first night I brought my first baby home from the hospital, I sat in the living room at 3 in the morning and sobbed as I expressed milk. My husband, who thought it was the baby crying, woke up to see what had happened, only to find me in the dark, crying like a baby.

I borrowed a mini electric breastpump from a friend and had spent the last 45 minutes in the wee hours of the morning trying to express milk. I only managed a pathetic 5ml. I was engorged and clearly in great distress.

As I eased into motherhood and started reading reviews about breastpumps from forums (actually it was the husband that started reading up first), I became very particular about the type of breastpump I used.

For me, a breastpump must be three things – fast, comfortable and light. I’m not going to be wasting 45 minutes expressing so little, I’m not going to be bending forward and breaking my back, I’m not going to be lugging a brick around if I need to bring the pump out.

The one I’ve settled on using after that 3am-sobbing-in-the-night episode is a pretty sturdy one, one in which many mothers swear by. It’s trusty and has served me well since I had Ben. I breastfed Ben for 11 months, Becks for 3 and am still serving Nat as his milk machine at 13 months, and have been using it to express milk when I was away from them at work.

But I’ll be frank. This pump has only fulfilled one out of the three criteria I have. It’s fast because it has one helluva electric motor, but it’s hardly comfortable nor light. So when Philips AVENT sent over their new Comfort range breastpump for a mother who’s still searching for the perfect one that fits all three criteria, I couldn’t wait to review it to see if I’ve finally found ‘the one’.

The single electric Comfort breastpump

So I tried it while the baby was still at infantcare in February and was pleasantly surprised to see how compact it was and how light it felt. I’ll be the first to admit that its weight made me kinda skeptical of the speed of the breastpump motor. After opening it up, I separated and sterilised the parts, which was easy and definitely idiot-proof. The parts, which are few, are intuitively designed for assembly.

I used it in a RECLINING position cos’ it says I can “sit more comfortably with no need to lean forward” when using it. I’ve never done that using a breastpump ever since that one time I tried and the milk flowed backwards and made me very dirty, so I thought for the sake of the review, I’d give it a go.

Yes, so I leaned back on a nice huge pillow to use the Philips AVENT Comfort breastpump.

Nope, I’m sorry you’re not going to get a picture of me. Here’s a prettier model instead.

Comfort – check. Its unique petals were very nice to have against those tired boobs unlike the one I’m used to using, which sucks you very hard, if you know what I mean. This one actually felt soothing and warm.

Comfort, without spillage – check. The pump is indeed designed in a way that you can actually lean back a fair bit. I actually caught a few minutes of shut-eye while expressing, which was a first for me!

As for speed, it did take longer than my usual to express 120ml from one side, even though I opted for the fastest of its pumping settings, after using it in gentle stimulation mode. Comparatively speaking, the one I own is quicker and sucks much harder. Oh well, but for the few minutes of shut-eye I could get, I didn’t mind it actually.

120ml in about 20 minutes, using the fastest mode available

And its weight? The base unit of the Philips AVENT Comfort is so much lighter than what I am used to lugging around. It is easy to keep (the tube simply wraps around the base unit), compact, and has a nice shade of purple. It is also easy to use on the go with batteries.

There you have it, two out of three criteria fulfilled. For its comfort and compactness, I would say the Philips AVENT breastpump is thoughtfully designed for the tired mother who wants to unwind while expressing milk, and worth the investment if you’re looking for comfort spelled with a capital C.

I’ve also had the opportunity to review the new Natural range Philips AVENT milk bottles. More on it in Part Two.

More details:

The single electric Comfort breastpump retails at $309 and the twin electric retails at $779 and are available at leading departmental stores. baby specialty shops and selected hospital pharmacies from January 2013.

Disclosure: I received the single electric Comfort breastpump and Natural range feeding bottles for the purpose of this review. This post is part of a series of sponsored conversations by Philips AVENT.

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(Self) Examination Getting all sentimental now

A walk down memory lane, to a day I was princess & queen

April 1, 2013

The mom bloggers in SMB were invited to share special memories of our wedding day as part of a linky party hosted by MummyMoo. So I took a slow walk down memory lane amidst the mothering madness, to a time and place on 11 Dec 2004 and gave thanks for that special day. That day when we said our vows and when he sang me ‘I love you for sentimental reasons’ and told everyone who came that he’s come home.

I remember that Saturday. I was all nervous and anxious. Some parts of the day went by in a blur. Truth be told, there are some things I wished I could change that day. For one, I wished I was more relaxed. I should have focused more on enjoying myself rather than worrying that my guests didn’t – a classic case of misplaced priorities here. I wished I had looked into my husband’s eyes a little longer and thoroughly enjoy my first dance with him, instead of looking around and making sure everything was going ok.

I wished we’d gotten a better photographer, because 9 years on, I’ve found the photos wanting and wished that more candid moments were captured. I am not particularly satisfied with the photo quality for most of my pictures. I also wished that the hotel didn’t print out the announcement for our wedding in black and white. So cheapo!

But there are some things I wouldn’t change for the world.

I wouldn’t change the fact that I married a man who meticulously made everything possible on my wedding day, from getting someone talented to design my dream gown to engaging our favorite jazz band to play at our wedding.

I wouldn’t change the fact that I’ve said my vows to the man who’s never failed to encourage me with words of kindness and love; the man who’s seen me at my worst, yet loves me despite; the man who has always stuck around when the going got tough.

Thank you, my dear, for giving me your heart and telling me that I was meant for you, and for making me the harbour for your ship to come home to.

Thank you for telling me that we’ve only got each other and that we will go through thick and thin together.

Thank you for believing that this is forever.

Thank you, for making me your queen.

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Family life as we know it Re: learning and child training

The long March

March 31, 2013

March has been a month of madness, and I am quite glad it’s over.

I began the SAHM gig on 1 March with three kids who clocked their last day in full-day childcare and infantcare on 28 February. There would be no more alternative caregivers from that day henceforth. The caregiver was to be me. The alternative option now, well, would still be me.

I spent the first 24 days of March being mother, teacher and trainer. The first few weeks were spent getting used to seeing each other every waking minute and unlearning some very bad habits that’s not been corrected by a full-time working mum who at times chose to indulge her daycare-going children. Habits such as not responding immediately when a parent calls, sleeping too little, bargaining too much and mucking around too often at mealtimes.

The first few weeks were also spent trying to find the groove of things and learning not to fly into a rage every time a child misbehaves. This I have MUCH to learn. The kids have figured how to press my buttons – and what buttons to press – and I’m still trying to figure out how not to react.

Amidst the getting used to, we had some fun times. There were more stories told, more artwork done, more outdoor trips made and more values taught. More than I ever did in all the years as a FTWM.

Funnily, the kids became clingier, and stuck stickier than glutinous rice balls. They barge into the shower, interrupt my meals, and demand to see me the first thing they wake and the last thing before they sleep. I’m not too sure if this is a good or bad thing, but it’s practically left me with no space to breathe. Someone please tell me that the feeling of suffocation may eventually lead to ecstasy, yes? no?

On 25 March, we made some adjustments and started a new routine. I can no longer call myself a homeschooling mum now, because we have decided that the kids would go to the church kindergarten 20-minute away from our place by bus for a three-hour daily programme, just so that they can socialize, and just so that I can have my sanity break.

Initially, I wanted to keep them at home without the option of school or enrichment. I wanted to stay home and homeschool them. This soon became not too dandy an idea because they started to miss having friends around to play with and I started morphing into a monster mum who is frazzled and snappy.

So I worked out a new routine every day whereby they would have blocks of 15-minute learning with me before they go to kindy and when they returned, which I call “lesson block”; I do my homeschooling curriculum with them and pack each lesson block with a quick activity in tracing, reading, colouring, flashcards, Logico, counting, exploration and teaching a readiness skill. Apart from needing to settle into their new environment and getting used to not having me around for three hours, the children are much happier with this new routine. They look forward to taking the public bus with me daily, and making that slow long walk from the bus stop to kindy. We take time to chat, sing and look at the little things around us on our way to school, something we never really did rushing every day when they were sent to daycare.

Best of all, they look forward to learning with me, because every day I hear them say, “Can we please have some lessons now?”

It’s going to be a crazy month in April, I know it. But I’m sure it’s also going to be excitingly fun!

March madness: Lots of bubble play

March madness: Go-karting fun

March madness: Sandplay at Bishan Park

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Getting all sentimental now Milestones and growing up The darndest kid quotes and antics

Letter to my littlest #5

March 27, 2013

Dearest honey bun,

13 is such a wonderful number, because every day with you at 13 is a day filled with laughter. You’re so funny you crack us up every single day with your antics and babbling. Oh, how I wish you would stay 13 months forever.

You love anything round and you’re totally obsessed with balloons. You snatch little children’s balloon-on-a-stick whenever you see a kid with one when we’re out. It’s becoming embarassing; I have to apologise to older little children on your behalf. In your first gym lesson you made an older girl cry because you grabbed her rubber ball. I still can’t believe you did that.

Because of your obsession, we’ve started to blow balloons in the house and now the house looks like one of those Singkids Play System playgrounds with balloons and balls everywhere. You say “ball” the first thing you wake, and “ball” even in your sleep. Oh, but now there’s also “up-ple” (apple) and “bb-berd” (bird) that you say non-stop every day. You love to crunch apples and chase the birds and dogs when we’re downstairs.

You have zero sense of fear, we’ve come to the point we are scared to bring you to the playground. Have you seen the way you climb up slides and stairs not meant for your age? You do it so well the neighbours are awed and tell me they cannot believe you just turned one. Yes, we’ve all seen you go down the slide at the playground downstairs all by yourself. I was thrilled and flabbergasted at the same time. You, my son, are the only one capable of letting me experience this. I’m not sure I should say ‘thanks’ or ‘no, thanks’, but you’re definitely one gungho fella!

Speaking of gungho, there was this time you saw your older siblings jump from the sofa onto the playmat, and you decided you would do the same. Once again, I experienced that feeling of being flabbergasted, watching you jump off the sofa, laughing and squealing at the top of your voice. You didn’t care if anyone was waiting to catch you, you didn’t mind if no one did, you just JUMPED. Gawd, are you 13 months or 30 months?

At 13, you do the funniest things. You blow raspberries on my thighs, you laugh (in such an exaggerated way) when we laugh, you imitate people around you, you do what we tell you to do – sit down, lie down, stand up, throw away the rubbish please, change diaper, go and bathe – it’s totally amazing you understand so much. You snuggle up with kor kor and jie jie when they are fast asleep, and you say “WOOOOOOOO” in all kinds of pitch and volume when its time to sit on your trike / glide on kor kor’s Y-Bike / wear your shoes / play ball / read a book.

It’s been so fun with you every day. Stay this way, ok? I love you to the moon and back, Nat, please stay at 13. Please?

With all my love, and then some more,

Mama

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