To my precious Nathanael,

When you came, my capacity to love expanded.

I’m so in love with you.

I see your face and I remember that night when you came to me. That night when I first held you and cried and wondered if I could be a good mummy and give you my best even though it would seem daunting to have to juggle life with three children from henceforth.

And you made it all too easy for me. You were such a good baby. You latched well. You slept through the night when you were two months – four hours, six hours, then eight. You didn’t even fuss when you were ill. You allowed your siblings to prod you, shove you, tickle you and smother you with hugs and kisses, complete with mucus and all. Whenever they are near you, you’d just smile and look at them with your soulful little eyes, as if you can’t wait to join them. I could carry you in the Beco all day and do all sorts of things: hold their hands, feed them, run in the park and catch bubbles in the playground. I could go on lunch dates with your father. You would just sleep and let Mama spend good time with everyone. And when they are finally asleep everyday, when you have Mama all to yourself, you would hold my finger with your tiny hands, rub your face repeatedly on my chest and lay your head on my shoulder. It’s like your way of saying you’re glad I’m yours now for the rest of the night.

We have long conversations about our hopes and dreams for the future daily. Mama tells you you are made to conquer; that you’d be a mover and shaker of your generation; that you have a destiny. And most importantly, that you are mine and I love you and we are family forever.

I will miss everything about you when I return to work. I will miss your chatter and chuckles and our conversations. Already I am having separation anxiety, even before you go to daycare! Oh, how I wished the day would not come!

I’m getting all sentimental because, you, my littlest, are growing up way too fast for me to handle. But we will get through this together, I know we will.

With all my love, and then some more,

Your Mama