Ben Kao Archives - Page 2 of 10

The reluctant specky boy

January 22, 2017

Both Ben and I were super bummed over the weekend.

By this:

MY FIRSTBORN NEEDS GLASSES!!!!!

I moped around for a while like it was the end of the world. And yep, you might have probably guessed it; I didn’t stop lecturing him about his posture, reading under poor lighting and all his terrible pussy habits like putting his head on the table while doing his work.

Just like what my mom did to me.

Yep, I gave it my all this weekend. I gave it ALL back.

I had worn glasses all my life since I was 7 and had lived half of it in total inconvenience of severe myopia and astigmatism until this five-letter word saved my life at the age of 28.

It was no fun at all, being a specky. I knew it. I hated being one. And I made sure Ben knew how horrible this might mean to his life.

And he was really disappointed too.

For him, it came like a huge unannounced tidal wave that swept him off shore while he was completely unaware. For the longest time, he was confident he wouldn’t need glasses. Till now, he still claims he sees well in class.

But why 6/18????

“I can’t see the last line of super tiny words lah! So so small!” was his reply, referring to the recent eye assessment at the health check in school

I am feeling a little helpless now and a little at a loss as to what to do. One school of thought tells me, go get his spectacles fixed as soon as he can before he squints his eyesight downhill. The other says, don’t be in a hurry to prescribe glasses for him. There are other things like hard contact lenses, eyes drops, TCM accupuncture and gardening to try.

For now I have yet to do anything – but how long can I wait it out before I find the right solution and / or the right school of thought to subscribe to?

Crowdsourcing for ideas here, on the blog, if you have any thoughts!

Till then, we are trying to get used to the fact that my specky boy would be looking like this:

Yes, this NERDY.

1 Comments

Ben Kao Family life as we know it Milestones and growing up

Too naughty to handle – soundbites from a p-one child

November 2, 2016

It’s been a full ten months going eleven of being a Primary One kid’s mom. And while I am conscious of the fact that my firstborn is growing up fast and would soon take issue with his school life shared on a public domain, I can’t resist the thought of penning some of the darndest things he’s said and done.

It’s ok, son. It’s ok to be naughty. Mama’s got your back covered for now.

Losing his spelling list

Ben: I can’t learn my spelling. I lost my spelling list.

Me: Then go ask your teacher for another one.

Ben: I can’t! She’ll scold me!

Me: Why can’t you? Just tell her you lost it!

Ben: I can’t lah. Nevermind I have a plan.

Having a plan

Me: (walking him to the bus stop to wait for school bus) So, tomorrow’s your spelling. Have you learned it?

Ben: No. I don’t have the list.

Me: So what is your plan?

Ben: I’m going to borrow from a girl. A girl will sure have her spelling list. I’ll copy the words down.

Me: Great idea.

At the 1st Parent-Teacher Conference

Ben’s teacher: I wanted you to know something. Ben cheated for his spelling test last week.

Me: ???

Teacher: Last week, during spelling he was looking down under his table and I found him copying the words from his partner’s spelling list.

Me: Is his partner a girl?

Teacher: Yes.

Me: -_-

Why did you copy?

Me: (back at home) Why did you cheat?

Ben: I didn’t.

Me: Your teacher said you did. You copied from your friend’s spelling list.

Ben: Huh. That was my plan!

Me: You are not supposed to copy! Spelling test means you learn the words by heart and spell them without looking at them. What did you think a test is?

Ben: Huh. I thought I lost my list so my plan is to borrow from a girl to copy!

Me: -_-

~~~

No handphone, public phone can?

Ben: Mom, can I have a handphone?

Me: No.

Ben: If I have one, then I can play Mine Craft and Pokemon like my friends.

Me: I want you to be immersed in the world of books and wonderful stories.

Ben: Huh. But I want a handphone. I want to call you.

Me: Come here. I give you ten cents. If you want to call me, call me on a public phone. It does the same thing.

Ben: -_-

~~~

Canteen Fun, I

Me: Did you do anything naughty today? I’ll be asking you that every day since your teacher has been telling me you and your friends are quite naughty. Talking during National Anthem and running around the canteen during silent reading.

Ben: Hmm. Uhmm. I did.

Me: What?

Ben: You know right, today, we all did an experiment in the canteen. My friend bought a fizzy drink, and I added ice cream, and someone else poured something in – I don’t know what lah, maybe his soup – and we dared one another to drink it.

Me: -_-

Canteen Fun, II

Me: Did you do anything naughty today?

Ben: Uhm, yes!

Me: What is it?

Ben: You know right, today, we all did another experiment in the canteen. A friend bought a fizzy drink and someone else added mentos and we shook the bottle until it exploded and it spilled all over the floor.

Me: Oh my.

Ben: And the best part was I told everyone to run away and we all did and we hid in the library!

Me: -_-

~~~

Girls are our buddies, I

Ben: Mom, today our teacher gave us a buddy.

Me: Who’s your buddy?

Ben: I forgot her name.

Me: Ten months into school and you don’t know your classmate’s name?

Ben: She’s a girl lah, and I can’t be bothered to remember girls’ names!

Me: -_-

Girls are our buddies, II

Me: So why do you have a girl as a buddy?

Ben: ALL the boys in class now have girls as their buddies. My teacher punished us with that.

Me: ?

Ben: We were being violent during recess. We played an “attack” game and H pushed me so I pushed him back and he fell and my teacher found out and she banned us from playing during recess. The girls are our buddies to watch us so we don’t play during recess.

Me: You’re banned from playing?

Ben: Yea, we’re not supposed to play. Only can eat.

Me: -_-

Girls are our buddies, III

Ben: But we quickly found the solution to our girl problems.

Me: Tell me.

Ben: We trick the girls!

Me: How?

Ben: We all run to the toilet and hide from them, and then run out to play!

Me: -_-

~~~

Postscript: Fatherkao believes boys would be boys and I shouldn’t be controlling too much or hovering around him and nagging him like a typical helicopter parent. “He’s a boy; let him do what boys do.”

Oh well, for now I’ll just laugh it off.

Day 0 of Primary One for #benkao – 2 hours of school to simulate assembly, going to class and taking the school bus! #allgrownupnow #primaryschool #motherkao #kaokids

Throwback to Orientation as P1 – Day 0 on 29 Dec 2015

0 Comments

Ben Kao I can't categorise such entries Thunderstorm days

Concussed

September 15, 2016

Part of the deal of raising boys is that you need to prepare your heart for fractures, falls and fights. Like that time when my husband came back from the playground with the kids and looked me in the eye, told me to breathe and prepare to go to the A&E because Nat fell and fractured his arm. Or like two nights ago when my husband declared that we would have to go to the Children’s Emergency with Ben.

On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call while at work and it was Ben crying on the line. He usually does not pull the crybaby number on me unless he’s ill and uncomfortable and he had shared with me that he had knocked his head against a pillar during recess. He said a boy dashed past him so quickly he didn’t even realise, and the next time he knew, he’s hit his head. While on the school bus, he felt a headache coming and was in discomfort.

I told the helper to give him some pain relief. He could barely eat his lunch and had to climb into bed to have a nap.

When I came home, I found him squirming in pain due to a headache that won’t go away, and a fever. He also threw up his dinner, and looked more lethargic than usual. I was going to monitor him for the night but Fatherkao decided that we should get him assessed by the doctor for any head injury right away.

So we headed to the NUH Children’s Emergency where he got a thorough check up and was diagnosed with a mild concussion.

Say….what?

So apparently, my eldest’s gotten his head concussed, alright. Just by walking to the canteen during recess time.

I’m a little flummoxed here – tell me, like how the heck did another child manage to give my son a concussion by dashing past him and scraping his shoulder?

Who’s this child? Is he big sized? Is he taller, stronger, fatter? What is he? Did you see his name? How would you not know if a child is coming towards you? – were the questions I fired Ben.

Why didn’t you stiffen your body to anticipate the impact? – was the question Fatherkao asked him.

I DIDN’T SEE HIM COMING AT ALL! – was the concussed child’s reply.

Unbelievable. I’m having a real headache here just trying to figure out how this could happen to a child walking in the canteen.

Being observed at NUH

But I didn’t write this to share my bewilderment but some handy tips on how to monitor a concussed child. It’s crucial to note what to do and I am glad for tips from a nurse friend and a very detailed doctor-in-charge (coincidentally, Dr Kao!!!)

You’re welcome.

Well, first of all, the first 6 hours, as the doctor tells us, is the most crucial. If a child vomits more than 3 times and has a headache that gets more intense by the hour, admit him straightaway. And if he fell from a height (for more than a metre and like in all other dangerous situations), that’s like an absolute no-brainer (pardon the pun) – go straight to the ER for that. For Ben, his injury was sustained while he was standing up, so the risk is slightly lower than someone who falls from a height.

Second, remove all forms of stimulation from the child who’s experiencing a headache (which include lights and sounds from radio, TV, etc) and try to keep him in a dim and dark place as much as possible. The injury will cause great discomfort, and minimising these will help the child calm down and recover from the concussion faster.

This was Ben at the ER during observation, not wanting any light and sound

Lastly, monitor injured child for the next 72 hours and provide pain relief for as often as possible. After Ben was observed in the ER for 2 hours and had anti-vomiting meds and Paracetamol administered, he was discharged. The doctor said he saw colour come back to his face and that we should just monitor him for the next few days. He was given 3 days MC and advised to refrain from contact sports.

My concussed boy slept for most of his first 48 hours since the injury, and I’m glad to report he is feeling less tired and a little better today. I also think that all the prayers and thoughts sent his way helped greatly, plus Aroma Life, an essential oil blend from Young Living which I used to massage his head.

Thank you, Jesus.

I don’t know how much more my heart can take with my boys growing up so quickly, and moving around, and being active so much, and I am probably going to scream NO if anyone comes to me requesting to play rugby.

My head’s pretty traumatised already from this one.

0 Comments

Ben Kao I can't categorise such entries

I Swear

March 10, 2016

I didn’t think I would see this day so soon but I did.

It’s only Term 1 Week 10 of the first year of formal schooling and at Primary One, my son has officially picked up a few of those swear words which I would never want to hear come out from his mouth.

And since this blog is a family-friendly blog, I can only say that my world came crashing down when I found out my son’s learned some filthy words that rhyme with bell and luck.

Actually, I was rather relieved he didn’t say them; I found them written as speech bubbles as part of a comic creation (phew). Ever since he’s started school, he’s begin to like comics, particularly the Plants vs. Zombies series (I have never heard of it at all), and he’s also been hearing all sorts of stuff from boys on the school bus (the ones older than him, for sure).

My turn to swear now.

Dammit, school bus.

To be honest, I didn’t think that this was going to affect me so hard. I thought I’d be that kind of cool mom who would say, ‘Hey son, don’t use those words ok? They just make you look uncool instead of cool, so just be the gentleman that you are, ok?’

But instead I broke down. I blamed myself for going back to full-time-crazy-entrepreneurship-hours and not being able to ferry my kids to and from school and it’s all my fault for making him take the school bus. I just couldn’t stop sobbing in front of my son who probably had no idea how serious it was to use those words since the Primary 6 boys use it like punctuation every single day and why writing them down as part of what a skeleton pirate comic drawing would say is any reason why his mother should cry.

Oh gosh, I was one ball of a mess that evening.

And so after all that shock I got, Ben hugged me, pat me on the head and said he was sorry, and before he could say more, I broke down again and in between sobs reminded him that he was my champion, my sensible boy, my gentleman and he should never in any way think it’s cool to swear like an older kid.

Deep down, I was reminding myself to let go and trust God because we have been present parents to raise him – and I hope we are doing a fine job at that despite our shortcomings.

And can I also say I am super glad for a very supportive husband and a very present and involved father who believes in talking things through and hearing our children out. He’s that kind of person who would always listen and not jump, while I am quite the opposite.

To me, it was like the end of the world. To him, it’s normal and part of growing up. And taking the school bus.

Still, it was a big deal that’s left a mark on a page of my mothering history that day. I swear that if my son ever swears again, I might really go bonkers. Please come by then and comfort me and tell me it’s ok.

2 Comments

Ben Kao Getting all sentimental now Milestones and growing up

7

February 29, 2016

This post essentially marks my firstborn turning 7.

S.E.V.E.N.

All five letters of it. All 7 years of it. All 2, 555 days of it.

This was the baby that started me on my journey to motherhood. He came to rock my world, and boy, did he rock it hard and shake it well. I became acquainted with all things mum, thanks to him, from babywearing and mastitis to classical music and puree-ing food. Because of him, I could apply all the wisdom gleaned from all the mistakes made for #2 and #3. I learned how to trim nails, scrutinise the colour and smell of poo and administer medicine (which required lots of skill through a syringe, by the way). I also mastered the art of tiptoeing all around the house, dancing and clowning around and reading labels on every single thing I wish to buy from the stores. I learned how to handle mum guilt, studied how to apply reality discipline and read copiously on all things parenting. Thanks to this boy, I charged full steam ahead like I’ve been given a new lease of life in my sluggish twenties, and wore the title “MOTHER” like a badge of honour.

Ben, oh, Ben. How much you have taught me. And how much I have learned because of you. All these seven years.

And every day I learn and grow, as your mother, and as a person. They say motherhood brings out the best and worst in you. It is true. I saw what I could do – in every sense of the word – good and bad, and learned above all else to manage myself in order to mother you.

Birthdays are always the toughest for me. While I sing you the ‘Happy Birthday’ song, I am always choking on the inside. Look at you, you’re a big boy now. And whilst the thought of you growing tall and strong and leaving me someday as you become independent flashes through my mind, I reminisce the days when you toddled, grinned and laughed.

How mixed my feelings are, every single year on this day.

Happy birthday, Son. You made me Mum on this day and I am proud of single minute of it.

0 Comments

Ben Kao Getting all sentimental now Milestones and growing up

Baby boy no more

December 2, 2015

At the Kao household, we are bracing ourselves for some major changes.

One of them involves two dirty words – PRIMARY SCHOOL. Well, at least to me. It’s “dirty” because it robs me of the feeling that I can’t baby my firstborn anymore.

Sob.

So the Primary One registration process from start to finish has been a breeze, thank God. There were no tears, no struggles and no heart-stopping moments. For that, we thank our parents from the bottom of our hearts for putting us in good schools when they made their choices. Whether they had foresight 2 decades ago (3, for Fatherkao, hurhurhur) or did it because of convenience, I am so glad to be counted among the few blessed ones to have options of schools.

All we did was to make the major decision to move back to the west so that the travelling time to and from school would be painless, and we pretty much had all things set for our children with Ben’s entry to a decent school in Primary One.

We had uniforms, textbooks and workbooks, school bus and even the ECCA settled for our firstborn on 2 separate days last month. There’s one more orientation coming up on the 30th this month for him to orientate himself in terms of classroom and school buses, and he’s all set to enter the forays of formal education.

Excuse me while I go cry for a while. Was it just a while ago I said hi to him in the delivery room back in KKH?

As a former educator, I am also bracing myself for the fact that Ben will be entering a dungeon filled with unknown dragons to slay – peer pressure, the pressure-cooker system of assessments and performance-driven tasks, expectations and demands from teachers, school and possibly even from me; not forgetting the largest demon called the PSLE, which probably would render most of us at home incapacitated for that year – and I am wishing, right now, with all my heart, that he would remain my baby forever and I would never have to send him into this dark abyss where I can no longer mother him like I would a baby.

This is also a time of change for me. Once upon a time I had toddlers and preschoolers. Now I have one that’s growing up way too fast.

A few months ago, Ben started calling me ‘Mom’ (instead of ‘Mama’) and that just about changed the dynamics between us officially in this new phase. He’s showing me he no longer wants to be ‘babied’, oh why oh why. ‘It’s more grown-up to call you Mom, Mom,’ he tells me. A month ago, he was officially the bo-gay that would sing ‘All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth‘. A few weeks ago, he shed many tears looking at his graduating photos of himself with his friends from K2, telling me with sadness in his eyes that he missed them all and he is just “too sad that he’s growing up so fast”.

And just a few days ago I had to make sure he made a pinky promise with me that I would be his best friend forever. And that he would tell me everything that’s going on – in his mind, in his class, on the bus. ‘Ok, Mom. I won’t keep secrets from you,’ he says.

That’s my way of making sure I can still baby my firstborn. That’s also my way of holding him hostage to his words should he ever read this blog some day.

Meanwhile, the work to prepare him for dragon-slaying is on full-steam. We had a few things put in place the entire year for him. This includes making sure he enjoys the Chinese language through conversation and stories (he has a Chinese tutor come in to do some work with him and enthrall him with stories like Journey to the West), encouraging his progress beyond the K2 syllabus for Math and English (lessons at BlueTree, board games and story books are best for this!), developing his creativity and adaptability through craft and innovation (we have a craft trolley filled with recycled raw materials and LEGO for that!) and getting him to pick up a sport of his choice (more on that experience soon on the blog).

This baby’s all grown up now!

No need for kids’ size – Ben is an ‘S’ now!

0 Comments

Ben Kao Happy days Invites & Tryouts Milestones and growing up The real supermom

Sundown with love, running at sundown with my loves

July 10, 2015

I wanted to give up long before race day. There were more than enough reasons to anyway.

I needed to focus on work and cancel out any distraction. There were processes to settle, curriculum to prepare and ideas to incubate. I didn’t have time to train (except for the five calories-burning sessions at Active Hive – another post on that soon). My husband, who was taking part in the Sundown Marathon with me, was not well for a long while with a phlegmy cough that didn’t go away. Ben had been having the sniffles too with his sensitive nose acting up a lot these days.

But a commitment is a commitment is a commitment. I said I’d do the 5km Fun Run for Sanctuary House, which I’ve been attempting to canvass donations for.

When Race Day arrived – and we were supposed to report at 7pm – I was already totally exhausted from being at work 6 hours earlier in the day. Fatherkao had a headache and popped two panadols that evening. The only one raring to go was Ben. And I had two other whining, unhappy, digruntled children who wouldn’t give me a break with their incessant grumblings about why they had to stay home with the helper. Not even TV helped.

But still we went, because a commitment is a commitment is a commitment, and boy, were we glad we did. That cool, lovely evening on 4 July totally made it to one of the high points of my year.

It was beautiful to be running at sundown.

The sunset view from Fatherkao’s phone camera

Add to that, the thoughtful organisers timed the Fun Run flag off to coincide with the fireworks from the NDP Rehearsal. We stopped after 1 km, stood by the Singapore River facing the Fullerton, and took in the breathtaking sights of the fireworks display before our eyes. Absolutely spectacular.

How close did we come ti soak in this spectacular sight?

How close did we come to soak in this spectacular sight?

This close. What a treat for the run!

And then being able make it to the half way mark with my firstborn – holding hands, encouraging him to press on, and sometimes looking at him from the back (yes, he got ahead of his very exhausted Mama) and thanking God that I have been blessed with lovely, healthy children.

Had this picture of the boys’ back edited as a sketch because it’s more poignant that way. I want to give thanks for the fact that in front of me ran two healthy boys!

And also extremely grateful that my husband, who hates running very much, was doing this with us with nary a grumble, encouraging Ben and me along the way, and teaching my firstborn some of life’s precious lessons. Overheard many times was the father telling the son to press on, not give up and reach for our goal. There were so many precious bonding moments no amount of money can buy.

When we held hands and made it through the finish line, it was touching to see the look of pride my son had on his face. That beaming, proud face after experiencing his first 5km-run. That look that says he’s grown up a little more after that evening.

Just the 3 of us

Ben’s well-deserved medal!

We had a lovely night after the run, being hosted by the organisers for dinner at the VIP tent, and talking a nice long walk to the MRT station talking about the events of the day and what the run was like for us. It was really, really nice to be walking hand in hand – just the three of us – like we were the best of friends and it was a beautiful and special moment for our firstborn too. I want to be doing this some time soon with Becks and then with Nat. I think that would be equally incredible.

Thank you, OSIM and Hivelocity, for the invitation to join the Sundown Marathon as a Sundown with Love Ambassador. We received more love that day than we could give.

Donations for Sanctuary House via the Sundown with Love platform closes 31 July 2015. If you could show a little love, click this link.

Disclosure: We were invited to be social influencers for the OSIM Sundown Marathon. No monetary compensation was received. All opinions here are our own.

0 Comments

Ben Kao Enrichment Homelearning fun Learning fun! Reviews

Exploring vocabulary through My World of Words [Review]

June 19, 2015

I guess one of the good things about being a language person is that it translates to being a mom that’s extremely particular about vocabulary building for your kids. I am big on making sure my children have a rich deposit of words in their vocabulary bank and make it my mission to introduce new words in English (and in Chinese too) wherever we go.

Like telling Ben, ‘Look, the snake is slithering up the tree. And it’s sticking out its forked tongue.’

So a snake doesn’t just move. It slithers. It doesn’t just have a tongue. Its tongue is forked.

Or telling Becks that there are many shades of pink. It can be bright or dull in its simplest. But it can also be luminous. Or fuscia. There’s bubblegum pink, coral pink, flamingo pink. And no, it’s not good to say Mama has pink cheeks but rather she’s applying blush.

And so am I glad that Scholastic sent these Ben’s way – because here in this house, we’ve all gotta be building our vocabulary foundation well, brick by brick so that we can speak a little more descriptively in English!

My World of Words and My World of More Words by Scholastic

These books provide early and transitional readers (see the type of readers here) a very colourful experience of reading thematically through picture stories, as well as discovering specific meanings and definitions of nouns and verbs. There are some simple writing exercises, creative writing tasks, as well as fun activities like crosswords that follow each picture story, and is a very good resource to hook a 6-year-old up with.

First, a picture story

Then reading the definitions and filling the numbers into the blank bubbles

And then trying out the suggested activities

What I really like about these books is that they provide the plural form of each noun beside each noun description; and like a good dictionary, they have sentences to illustrate the meaning of every verb and noun. There is no differentiation between US English and UK English as well, because the book follows Standard English, covering a range of nouns and verbs used the standard way. There’s really nothing to complain about, because the book is really thoughtfully and colourfully designed to educate and enrich the early reader. Perhaps some sticker-activities, to keep the little hands occupied, would be my humble suggestion.

My World of Words and My World of More Words can be found in major bookstores.

Disclosure: The books were sponsored by Scholastic Education for the purpose of this review. No monetary compensation was received and all opinions here are our own.

0 Comments

Ben Kao Milestones and growing up

Can’t handle the toof

April 30, 2015

Tooth fairy, tooth fairy…

Someone’s been waiting.

Shaky tooth up. Shaky tooth down.

Discomfort is… all around.

But we’ve got a wonderful dentist friend who tells him, “Don’t worry. It’s because your adult tooth is coming out. Everything looks great and you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

Epilogue in momspeak:

It feels like yesterday my baby had a budding tooth. Didn’t I just see a baby with a toothy grin a while back? It’s been 6 years, really? (This boy now calls me ‘Mom’ instead of ‘Mama’ and whines about his shaky teeth and butterflies in his stomach about going to the dentist.)

P/S: This is not a sponsored post. We see a really friendly dentist at ToofDoctors at Serangoon Central.

1 Comments

(Self) Examination Ben Kao Milestones and growing up Mommy guilt

Great expectations

April 19, 2015

Being the firstborn almost always automatically means that there are more expectations of you than your siblings.

You are expected to share.

To be obedient.

To set an example.

To be sensible.

To understand.

At least that’s what I went through as a firstborn. And it’s something I have unconsciously put my firstborn through.

Six seems to be the age of meltdowns, emo-ing and lots of scowls. I get these almost on an hourly basis with my firstborn who turned six earlier this year.

He gets hurt easily by unkind words yet sometimes say the unkindest things without realising it; he polices everyone around with that tremendous sense of right and wrong; he balks at injustice and asks the most existential questions. He’s growing from baby thoughts and talk to being a boy, and is beginning to develop a personality and flair of his own, complete with warts and quirks.

And sometimes this mother is many steps behind in understanding what is happening to the child she first rocked in her arms.

Tonight I received a timely reminder to grow and change as my firstborn grows and changes.

***

It was time for bed. Our bedtime routine usually consists of a bedtime story before tuck in. Ben asked me while I was brushing my teeth if we could have one. I mentioned I was quite tired and joked, “Hey, why don’t YOU read us one?”

Excited at the thought, he went to choose a book – 10 Little Rubber Ducks by Eric Carle (for the tenth time now, maybe) – and waved it at me. To his disappointment, his sister had fallen asleep and Nat has chosen another story and refused to listen to any more of 10 Little Rubber Ducks again.

I tried to get the brothers to compromise. Look, let me take you all to Paris with Everybody Bonjours and then in the morning, when Becks is awake, Korkor can read ALL OF US his Ten Little Rubber Ducks! Nat was pleased but my eldest was starting to sulk.

By the time I finished reading Everybody Bonjours and declared it was time for bed, I had a full meltdown from a certain somebody. There was a scowl on his face, a high pitched ‘I DON”T WANT TO SLEEP, I WANT TO REAAADDDD, PULEEAASSEE…’, complete with some foot stamping.

That was when I lost it.

This is what happens every day. Things don’t go your way and you throw a tantrum. You don’t get to go somewhere, you whine. You don’t get to buy something, you whine. What happened to my sensible boy, my eldest child, who’s older than everyone else and should be able to understand things more? Why can’t you just try to see what I’m getting you to see? Your sister is left out here and she hasn’t had her story. And it’s 9 and it’s bedtime. Just understand that, say, ‘Yes, Mama’ and go to sleep. Simple, right? We can do a story tomorrow, with all of us, that’s fair, isn’t it? Why can’t you just listen and understand? Why can’t you just behave like a six year old should?

And then there was the sound of silence and gentle sobbing under the blanket.

Was I being too harsh? Every child would want a gazillion stories at bedtime, but if we can’t, we just can’t, right?

Wrong. I was so wrong.

I asked Ben who was sobbing under his covers to get up and talk to me.

Me: Tell me, why was it so important that YOU had to read the story tonight and not tomorrow that you had to throw a tantrum?

Ben: Nothing.

Me: Don’t tell me nothing. You never say nothing if you feel something. Please think about it and tell me.

– Silence –

Me: Please, tell me. Don’t keep things inside you.

Ben: I wanted to show you love, Mama. I wanted to read to you to show you love.

Me: (I am choking by now) You wanted to show me love by reading me a book?

Ben: (in between sobs) I don’t know what else to do to show you I love you.

***

I held my firstborn close tonight. And after he fell asleep, I cried.

Because I was a fool of a mom to be always correcting behaviour but never tuning in to my child’s heartbeat, never once sensitising myself to his feelings as he grows.

Because I am doing what I’ve always known to do as I’ve been raised, never once stopping to listen to what my son is really telling me, always just expecting him to be the one that understands.

I’m the one that needs to understand tonight. That my firstborn’s heart is searching for ways to love his mother as he realises he is no longer that baby in her arms. That when I do peel away all the layers of tantrums and meltdowns, I see a child growing up because he is beginning to understand that love is no longer taking but giving of himself.

Post Script:

Me: I’m sorry that I’m the one not understanding things. I’m really sorry.

Ben: It’s ok, Mama. (kisses me on the cheek)

2 Comments

Older Posts

Newer Posts