Our copy of this book is pretty dog-eared and crumpled. It’s also been tagged much, with a fair bit of highlighting. Since Ben was born, fatherkao and I have been reading and rereading this book, which was given to us by a dear friend who was blessed by it.

This book is loaded with plenty of useful and practical information on how to genuinely love and discipline our children so that we can establish a love-bond relationship with them.

Here are some of my key takeaways from the book:

1) On the foundation of all parent-child relationships: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – real love is unconditional and must be our guiding light in child rearing.

2) How to put feelings of love into action #1 – showing love through eye contact. Eye contact is one of the main sources of a child’s emotional nurturing. Use eye contact to convey unconditional love.

3) How to put feelings of love into action #2 – showing love through physical contact. Don’t touch your children only when necessity demands it. Physical contact goes also beyond hugs and kisses. It’s in simple everyday things like gently poking the ribs, tousling their hair and patting their shoulders. These are ways to assure a child’s emotional security. Dr Campbell says we need to “incorporate physical and eye contact in all our everyday dealings with children” and this can be done naturally and comfortably. Children growing up in a home where parents use eye and physical contact will be comfortable with themselves and other people. These two gifts of love are the most effective ways to fill a child’s emotional tank and enable the child to be the best he or she can be.

3)  How to put feelings of love into action #3 – showing love through focused attention. Focused attention is giving a child full, undivided attention in such a way that the child feels without doubt completely loved; that the child is valuable enough in his or her own right to warrant parents’ undistracted watchfulness, appreciation and uncompromsing regard. In short, focused attention makes a child feel like the most important person in the world in his or her parent’s eyes. How can we do that? Prioritise, watch for unexpected opportunities, schedule and plan. These moments are “investment in the future, especially the years of adolescence” and is the “most powerful means of keeping a child’s emotional tank full”.

4) On discipline: Discipline is done in love and it’s about training the child in the way he should go. How well a child responds to discipline depends primarily on how much the child feels loved and accepted.

5) On loving discipline: When our child misbehaves, we must ask ourselves, “What does this child need?” The tendency is for us to ask, “What can I do to correct this child’s behaviour?” Only when we we ask ourselves the first question can we proceed logically from there. Only then can we take care of the misbehaviour, give what the child needs and permit the child to feel genuinely loved. The next step is to ask ourselves, “Does the child need eye contact? Physical contact? Focused attention?” In short, does the emotional tank need filling? We must first need these needs and should not continue to correct a child’s behaviour until we have met these emotional needs.

Here’s what I caught from the heart of the author:

There’s a lot to digest and understand from the nuggets of truth and advice shared in this book – and they all have to be understood at the heart level and not the head level. I know a million and one things what to do and what not to do in my mind; but this book cannot be read with the mind alone.

Three things from the book really stuck with me. Number one, the marriage must be ok. The “prerequisite of good child rearing” is the most important relationship in the family, which is the marital relationship. “Both the quality of the parent-child bond and the child’s security largely depend on the quality of the marital bond.” So often, this bond gets weaker as the demands of child rearing intensify through the child’s growing years. Yet, it is this very bond that provides the most effective setting for raising a child.

Number two, children are much more emotional than cognitive. They, therefore, remember feelings much more readily than facts. They remember how they felt in a particular situation much more easily than they can remember the details of what went on.

Number three, seize moments of opportunity to love. If you’ve missed one, you’ve missed one. So always be on the look out for more and try not to miss any!

Learning all these have helped an often guilt-ridden, frustrated, task-focused and controlling mother like me to transfer the heartfelt love in my heart to little seemingly insignificant actions to love my children. I’m still learning, and there’s so much more to learn. May this year be a year of greater learning to really love them all.

Throughout the short four years I’ve been a mother, I’ve devoured a couple of parenting books. Some were forgettable, and some stuck with me and influenced, in some ways, the way I’m parenting. I’d thought I’ll review some of these books and start a series on good reads that can serve as a resource for myself (and you out there) who’d like to revisit some Parenting 101. In each review, I’ll share my takeaways and more importantly, the things that I’ve caught from the heart of the author.

A dear friend and colleague learned that I was struggling a fair bit with Becks as she entered her Terrible Two stage. Some time last year, I was pleasantly surprised to find this book on my desk at work!

This book, The New Strong-Willed Child, by Dr James Dobson, not only gave me a clearer understanding of my daughter, it also took me through a (rather painful) journey of uncovering and knowing myself all over again. Undoubtedly, in terms of the strength of the will, both Becks and I score on the high side. We are the assertive, aggressive and independent breed of people whose temperaments are “prepackaged before birth”, as Dr Dobson puts it. I was looking for answers and help to deal with my strong-willed daughter (who is very much like myself) and I was so blessed by the godly advice and encouragement provided by Dr Dobson in his book. Thank God for this man and his ministry!

Here are some key takeaways from the book:

1) On shaping the will: “If the strong-willed child is allowed by indulgence to develop ‘habits’ of defiance and disrespect during his or her early childhood, those characteristics will not only cause problems for her parents, but will ultimately handicap the child whose rampaging will was never brought under self-control.” That is why it is of utmost importance that we must begin teaching respect for authority while our children are very young.

2) On protecting the spirit: As parents, we need to shape the will without breaking the spirit. Dr Dobson admits that “hitting both targets is something easier said than done”. This is accomplished by “establishing reasonable boundaries in advance and then enforcing them with love, while avoiding any implications that a child is unwanted, unnecessary, foolish, ugly, dumb, burdensome, embarrassing, or a terrible mistake”.

3) On the most ineffective approach: Anger only “emphasises impotence”, “does not influence behaviour unless it implies that something irritating is about to happen”, and should “never become a tool to get children to behave when we have run out of options and ideas”. Authority, which is conveyed mostly by confidence and determination, is what creates respect.

*Note to motherkao from Dr Dobson: You don’t need anger to control children. You do need strategic action. You need to exhibit an attitude of confident authority. You have the power to decide on a logical course of action without needing to be exasperated or frustrated.

4) On child-rearing: Healthy parenting can be boiled down to two essential ingredients: love and control. Children tend to thrive best in an environment where these two ingredients, love and control, are present in balanced proportions.

5) On attitudes: Good attitudes are modelled by parents and then reinforced in the every day, not during a brief bedtime prayer or pep talk.

6) On sibling rivalry: “Recognise that the hidden ‘target’ of sibling rivalry is you.” True that. Now, whenever Ben and Becks fight, I bend down, look at them in the eye and say, “Guys, I don’t want to watch this. Can I please ask you to go into the room now and fight? When you’re done, come out and tell me who won, k?” This always works. Always.

Here’s one thing I caught from the heart of the author:

“Keep the tenor of the home pleasant, fun, and accepting. At the same time, however, parents should display confident firmness in their demeanour. You, Mom and Dad, are the boss. You are in charge. If you believe it, the tougher child will accept it also.”

I’m learning every day to do this. I’m also laying hands on my daughter every night and praying that the Holy Spirit conquer her strong will without destroying her spirit, and that I’d be a mother who will lovingly guide her with understanding and the appropriate kind of discipline. Not an easy job, but with prayer and practice, I shall soldier on.