To celebrate Mother’s Day, I taught my children a simple song. They are to sing this every day, rain or shine. They are to sing it after every time-out and whenever they misbehave. Most importantly, they are to sing it every Mother’s Day. With gusto.
The Mama Song (to the tune of Row, row, row your boat)
Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful Mamas out there! You deserve to have your kids sing you this!
Someone with three children recently wrote an article on the secret to being a happy mother.
Her secret: outsourcing all the tedious jobs of childcare and domestic chores to a team of hired help. Ms Katie Hopkin’s idea of happiness is to acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with employing other women to do all the traditional ‘female’ job in the house, from sewing to cooking to mothering the kids. She argues that women with potential and capability should live guilt-free to pursue high-flying careers.
It’s high-flyers like her who keep others at work, she says. High-flyers like her get a supply of nannies to watch her son run on sports day and her daughters sing at concerts because they prefer to “find something productive to do rather than engage in all the amorphous domesticity that being a mother seems to involve”.
She’s clearly misunderstood what being a mother really means. It’s probably just all about the sex, pregnancy and delivery. And having a uterus, that is. I wonder if she would outsource these if she could.
She clearly did not ask her children if they are happy with this arrangement. A happy mother doesn’t always equal happy kids, mind you. And being happy now doesn’t necessarily mean you would be happy in the future. I’m not sure if she would still be happy if her kids hired five nurses to care for her in old age to pursue their high-flying careers.
While I agree that most of us, if given a choice, wouldn’t want to do the mundane tasks at home if we could afford to employ people who can do them on our behalf, I draw the line at my intention of outsourcing.
I have a helper because the outsourcing gives me more quality time with my children, allows me to be around and available for them and provides me with a more comfortable (read: cleaner) environment to live in. Like being able to read a book after dinner and not having to worry about the dishes. Or doing some crafting and painting without needing to spend the next hour vacuuming the glitter and paper shreds.
And that is that. I still step into the kitchen to cook and bake, clean and mop the house so the helper gets to rest, help to fold the clothes and scrub the toilets because I want them to have memories of their mother doing so. How can I teach them values and life skills if I don’t do some of these things too? I want them to remember fondly that Mama bathed them, fed them, cleaned up their mess and hung around when they fell ill; that Mama took pride in keeping the house organized and comfortable; that Mama’s not a lazy, pompous ass.
And most importantly, that Mama mothered them.
Some of my fondest memories I have of my mum are the times she baked and cooked in the kitchen, and making me soups and herbal tea when I fell ill. I shudder to think of the memories I’d have of her if she was a high-flying career women who never attended any of my book prize award presentations or baked me any birthday cakes.
Even if I have the money, I wouldn’t outsource things that would rob my children of memories of me. Someday, the kids will grow up. Someday, they will reminisce. Someday, when I am gone, I want them to be able to say:
“I remember Mama watched me sing at my recital. She even ironed my shirt the night before.”
“Mama always made chicken soup for me on rainy days.”
“Mama bakes the best cakes.”
“Mama was always around for us.”
I wouldn’t want it to be Aunty so-and so, or anyone else.
My secret to being a happy mother? Living every day creating happy moments, even if it’s just one moment a day. You can’t do that if you outsource.
Bath moments: one of the things I’ll miss when the kids grow up
On rainy days, where it’s a little too dark and gloomy for us to stay home, I try to make life brighter by baking cheery, happy things.
I came across this recipe from one of my favourite magazines, Cake Heaven, and modified it as a four-layer instead of a six-layer cake. I don’t have too much space in the refrigerator for such a tall cake!
Citrus Sunbeam Layer Cake (Recipe makes 1 with 4 layers)
Ingredients:
For the frosting:
You will also need: round 9″ baking tins (4 if you have!), baking paper and 2 small bowls
Instructions:
1) Preheat the oven to 190ºC. Grease and line 4 round tins. Beat the butter and sugar in a bowl with wooden spoon or an electric mixer until light and fluffy. Beat the eggs in a jug and gently add them to the creamed mixture, beating all the time and adding some flour to prevent curdling. Fold in remaining flour.
2) Divide the mixture in half. Add the lemon zest and a teaspoon of yellow gel paste to one half (with lemon essence too, if you prefer); add the orange zest, a teaspoon of orange gel paste (with orange essence if you prefer) to the other half. I added a tbsp of milk to each bowl for equivalent consistency.
3) Divide the mixture between the tins, spreading it evenly. Bake the layers individually or in batches. I made four layers with this recipe. I guess if you have smaller tins, you could make 6.
4) Bake in the oven for 10 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean. Be careful not to overbake or the cake will be dry. Leave to cool in tin for a few minutes, then turn out onto baking paper set on wire rack to cool completely.
5) While the cake layers are cooling, make the frosting. (The original recipe called for syrup made with lemon juice, Limoncello and sugar but I skipped that.) Beat the butter with with an electric whisk, then add cream cheese and beat until smooth. Gradually sift the icing sugar and beat until the mixture is light and fluffy. Place in the fridge for a few minutes to firm up if it’s a little runny or add more sifted icing sugar if it’s too runny.
6) Assemble the cake by placing an orange cake layer on a cake stand and cover it with a thin layer of frosting. Repeat with the remaining layers, alternating the yellow and the orange sponge.
7) Cover the top and side with remaining frosting. Decorate with a little zest if desired.
8) Slice and enjoy.
I’ve been bus-sing with the kids every day and getting a lot of stares.
Every day, we walk to the bus stop behind our place to take a public bus. The wait is usually short if we catch it on time; we’d have to wait in the sweltering heat for a good 12 minutes before the next one comes if we don’t. The ride is 15 minutes and the walk to kindy is usually another 8 minutes.
I do this fives times a week, rain or shine, to save money on school bus. I’ve recently started babywearing Nat and bringing him along because the house needs to be cleaned, his lunch needs to be cooked and he can no longer entertain himself while the helper does all that because of his severe separation anxiety. He starts wailing when we leave, and the helper can do nothing except to carry him till I return.
So picture a frazzled mother with a baby in a carrier, a bag on her shoulders, two schoolbags on her arms, holding hands with two children. When I get up the bus, my son taps the EZ link card for me and we struggle to find our balance on a moving vehicle to get a seat – er, no – three seats.
When we get our seats, I’ve to constantly stop the kids from morphing into gibbons.
Then when I look around, I see everyone staring at me. We usually sit at the back where the seats face each other, and I find myself an object of scrutiny by many pairs of eyes.
They look at me. They look at the children. They look at the baby. Then they look at me again.
On rare occasions, some elderly folk would give me a sympathetic smile, but most of the time, everyone just stares at us.
Do you know how impossible it is to get children to sit still and keep quiet for more than 5 minutes? You should have seen the kids on their first few rides – they were too loud, too fidgety and too noisy. They sang ‘Wheels on the Bus’ the whole time, and I could do nothing to contain their excitement.
What’s even more embarrassing: once the bus driver stopped the bus and scolded Ben for kneeling on his seat, instead of sitting down properly.
So here, I have a proposal for the authorities and the bus companies. How about having a little play area for young children on the bus and have just a couple of them ply through some major routes at specific times, say late mornings, after peak hours?
Image taken from http://www.absolutelimos.ie/our-fleet/the-kids-play-bus/
Or how about having some of our buses turn into some major playground fun like the Kids Play Bus in Ireland? Way too cool huh!
A small kids’ corner will certainly be free entertainment for anyone on the bus. It’s better than frantically scrolling our phones and doing damage to our eyes. It gives tired mothers some breathing time and perhaps, even ten minutes of shut-eye. It gives the young ones an outlet to expend their energy while on the move.
Heck, I don’t even mind paying more to get up on this bus.
Just suggesting.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard about the Birth Order Guy, but he’s one expert that I’ve been consulting a lot these days.
You see, this guy (God bless you richly, Dr Leman!) is a psychologist, award-winning author and seasoned counselor with years of research experience on birth order, and how birth order affects personality, marriage, relationships, parenting style and children. He’ll tell you that your birth order can play a significant part in your success and your personality, and generally the direction of your life; that your birth order affects the way you parent your child; and even go as far to offer insight as to which birth order pairs make the perfect pairing in marriage. (Fatherkao, if you’re reading this, do you know Dr Leman says “first born plus first born equals power struggle”? That explains a lot of things huh! Haha.)
So I’ve been in this situation lately where it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that all three of my children are distinctively and remarkably different, and I badly need to know how to parent my three kids effectively, and meaningfully, according to their bents.
Very clearly, these kids need to be parented in different ways, and understood accordingly. I need to break out of a one-size-fits-all mother mould.
If Ben didn’t have siblings, he’d be the firstborn and only child. He had fatherkao and I all to himself for the first 18 months of his life and our undivided attention. Probably explains a lot about the whining, complaining and comparing. Deep down, I know he still wishes to be the only baby in the family.
#1 : With Ben, I must try not to be an “Improver”. As the firstborn, he already feels the need to be perfect in every way. He is eager to please and keen on making things right so we can be happy. I must learn not to add pressure and unreasonable expectations to feed that perfectionistic streak he might already have.
This is what Dr Leman gives as an example:
“For instance, let’s say you ask your oldest son to make his bed. Being a firstborn he will, of course, seek your approval and want you to see the finished task. If you tell him it looks good but then proceed to fluff the pillow and straighten out wrinkles in the bedspread, you send the message that he could have done better.”
#2 : Take Two-On-One Time: Firstborns often feel that parents don’t pay much attention to them because they’re always concentrating on the younger ones in the family. They often enjoy adult company more than any other child in the family, and respond to adult company better. One tip for parenting the firstborn is to make a special effort to get the firstborn to go out with dad and mum alone; this means we must try to make time to be with Ben exclusively – just the three of us.
This is a tricky one, and the trickiest bit in parenting, in my opinion. I’ve never had an easy time with my middle child, and because the difference between the middle child and the firstborn can manifest in so many ways, even the experts will tell you it’s a whole new level altogether to parent the middle one. I guess if I never had the last kid, Becks would never experience the middle child syndrome; but since we have three and I can’t change this fact, it’s important that I learn (even if it’s for an entire lifetime) how to handle her.
#1 : Middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. And Becks is less direct in expressing her thoughts. She uses crying and tantrums a lot, and calms down only when attention is given. Even then, she doesn’t share much. The Birth Order Guy has this to say:
“Although it’s important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it’s particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time.
#2 : Empowerment is important for the middle child so she can feel special. This will help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings. Becks likes to feel important (and I’m sure we all do!), and we need to let her make some decisions for the family so she can feel a sense of significance. I’m going to start with letting her decide what the family would eat for dessert and what fruit she and her brother would bring to school for Tuesday’s Fruit Day.
My littlest knows he is the baby of the family. He acts like it and at 15 months, is showing signs of using this knowledge to his advantage to get away with things. He plays well with his siblings but expects (yes, you’re right, he expects) all of us to give in to him. And yes, he often gets his way.
#1 : With the lastborn, I need to stick to the rules because the older ones are watching me closely. The same rules for discipline apply to him as to the older ones, age appropriate, of course.
#2 : When he gets older, he needs to be given responsibilities, as well as be duly applauded for his accomplishments. Lastborns often wind up with less to do around the house and are well known for feeling that nothing they do is important. They are the happy-go-lucky sort, so it’s important to instill a sense of responsibility to help them establish significance.
Someone once said that the deeper the understanding of the nuances of personality, the better a teacher, guardian or parent can specifically guide, respond and support our children towards the fulfillment of the purpose for which they were conceived. I want to do just that, so that everyday, I can be a better mum.
P.S: Of course, nobody likes to hear that something that’s beyond our control (our birth order, that is) can somewhat determine so many aspects of our lives, but understanding general personality traits both of myself and my children by birth order can greatly speed up this process of figuring them out, and how to be appropriate. I am never one to subscribe to stereotypes, and will always look out for exceptions in my kids as I parent them.
The heat’s been crazy, and the kids’ been taking at least three showers a day.
Anything fewer than this number would usually result in super sticky stinky kids.
Which is why it’s so important that the soap they use during their baths has got to make them smell really nice and not be harsh on their delicate skin.
Thanks to Human Nature who recently sent the Kao kids their premium bath products, we’ve found the best smelling top-to-toe wash ever and some TLC for the baby (more on that later), and the best thing is, I don’t have to worry about it stripping the natural oils off their skin.
I’ve heard and read so much about Human Nature, a brand of natural cosmetics that was established to help provide a livelihood for Gawad Kalinga residents in the Philippines and support Filipino farmers by sourcing natural raw material locally. Human Nature’s products are free from harmful chemicals and do not contain sodium laureth sulfate, or sodium lauryl ether sulfate, (an inexpensive but carcinogenic foaming agent), parabens (a commonplace preservative which is becoming increasingly controversial because it’s been found in breast cancer tumours – yikes!), phthalates (mainly used as plasticizers), or mineral oil (clogs pores if it’s not highly refined and purified).
I’m someone who reads the label very closely and try not to buy products with these chemicals since a long time ago; but I tell you, it sure is getting increasingly difficult to buy all these organic, natural stuff without the hefty price tag these days. So imagine my surprise when I found out how affordable Human Nature’s products are.
For less than $25, Human Nature’s three-step Baby Care can cleanse, moisturise and protect the little one with most natural ingredients. To me, that’s cheap – and good!
Baby Wash with Lavender, Rosemary and Chamomile ($7.90), 100% Natural Baby Lotion ($8.90) and 100% Baby Oil ($7.90) made of sunflower oil
And of course, Nat got to try the three-step Baby Care out.
*Warning: pictures of naked baby to follow*
I found the Baby Wash really gentle on the baby’s skin. The liquid hardly lathered, which was a good sign (to me) that no sodium laureth sulfate was used to make this. Plus, I didn’t have to worry about all the foamy bubbles getting into Nat’s eyes while I washed those few strands of hair. The Lavender, Rosemary and Chamomile combo made it sound as if I was washing my kid with all my favourite types of tea – nice!
After the bath, I used the light and refreshing Baby Lotion which contained aloe and avocado. I was expecting a strong scent to overwhelm my senses while I slathered the lotion on the baby, but all I could pick up was the sweet, sweet smell of a baby. The lotion had the scent of baby powder, and I couldn’t help dousing my littlest in it – oh, how I missed him smelling like this!
Now comes the oil. I don’t usually use oil on my kids cos’ it leaves a yucky feeling on them and on my hands. I was assured that the Baby Oil is extremely light and doesn’t clog pores, and most importantly, that studies have shown that massaging babies with sunflower oil lessens the risk of them developing skin infections.
So I used it to massage his scalp and the scabs Nat’s gotten by scratching himself silly, as well as his diaper area like I would a diaper cream.
The oil was indeed so light, I needn’t even wash my hands. The Baby Oil was quickly absorbed by the skin – both mine and Nat’s – and he wasn’t one oily gunk after the massage. I happily went on to do some foot reflexology for the older ones with the Baby Oil too.
Ben and Becks got to try the Kids Natural Shampoo and Body Wash in Tangerine Tarsier ($13.90 for 500ml) and it made them smell so yummilicious I couldn’t stop kissing their cheeks and ruffling their hair after their bath. I make them use the wash generously now on a hot day and whenever they come home perspiring and smelling like a sock that’s not been washed for a decade, and we’re absolutely loving the scent that’s filling the bathroom these days.
Oops sorry, not going to be showing pictures of naked children here.
Oh yes, can I also rave about something? This bottle of Calming Massage Oil, thoughtfully sent just for the tired mother with frazzled nerves (that is me) by Christine, the Director of Human Nature Singapore, really does what it claims to do. Smelling it and rubbing it on my tired shoulders really calms me and helps me unwind.
Made with lavender, orange and lemongrass essential oils, this is not greasy at all and contains no mineral oil with its yucky pore-clogging ability. It comes in a small handy 95ml bottle (and it’s only $4.95 now on their store) that can be so readily tucked into any bag. I actually bring it out now and make the therapist doing my facial use this when she does my hand, neck and head massages.
I’m thinking, this is the perfect gift to pamper any mother this Mother’s Day! Some calming massage oil and a good rub is really what makes any mother happy. For me, it’s this, plus uninterrupted pee time, thank you very much.
The products from Human Nature that we’ve received really impressed, and are indeed value for money. I like the fact that buying from them also means we’re supporting a social cause, and it’s our little way of giving back to society.
You can shop at the Human Nature Singapore online store and check out their range of products ranging from home care to mineral makeup. Just for readers of this blog, get a 20% off all products (except sale items) from the Human Nature from 7 to 9 May 2013. Use this code HNMK20 to check out.
Methinks there’s still time to get Mom something for Mother’s Day! Happy Shopping!
*Disclosure: We received the mentioned products from Human Nature Singapore for the purpose of this review. All opinions are Motherkao’s own.
To my dearest, sweetest Ben,
What a shock I got when I sat you on my lap today. I have forgotten how it’s like to hold you up and carry you. You’ve grown so much, so quickly.
You don’t sit on my lap anymore during story time. Because everyone else pounces on me, you choose to lean against my side.
I don’t carry you anymore. You’ve gotten too heavy for my arms. You watch me while I babywear your brother and carry your sister. You’re happy just to hold my hands.
Sometimes, you don’t even get to hold my hands. Every day, when we head out to school, I have Nat in the Beco, your school bags over one arm, and a hand clutching Becky tight (we all know how far she can run, even on the road). You’re just contented to hold on to my shorts.
Yesterday, when I had to leave for class, you bravely said bye and gave me a smile. It started to pour and I returned for an umbrella. I found you tearing at a corner. I asked you why you were crying. You replied that you missed me. You hugged me tight like I’m the only one you’ve got in the whole world.
This is you. My little, sentimental, you.
You watch daily as I frenzy around, handling one sometimes unreasonable and temperamental child, and one whiny, clingy baby. You see me getting drained, day after day, by the endless tantrums and screaming, and you offer a kind touch, always. You observe, quietly, as I trudge on, exhausted by your needy little brother who refuses to be away from me and you offer help by distracting him. You wait patiently for Mama; you want her and need her too. She’s got stories to tell you, answers to your questions and lessons to teach you. You hang around her every minute, waiting for that moment she finally has time for you.
You sometimes bear the brunt of her anger and her impatience. And because you’re so mild and gentle, you take it, swallow it, and continue loving her, because Mama is the apple of your eye. You do things to get her attention, and when you mess up, you end up lashed and broken. Mama always expects more from you. So you try everyday, to do things right, to make her happy.
I see all these, my son. I see my many expectations of you. I see how I am answering your questions with ‘I don’t know’ more often now than before. I see how unfair I’ve been, always making you give in to the younger ones.
Today, we took the bus alone – just you and me – and finally explored the upper deck of a double decker! You were delighted, even though it was only for a short while. We had to leave a sick and screaming Becks at home, and I saw in your eyes that you were as drained as I was having to put up with her tantrums and hissy fits before we left the house. If it was you, you’d only sob quietly at a corner, and miss me in your heart.
How different the two of you are.
How blessed I am to have you in my life. Your gentleness is a respite on such days of mothering madness.
How I need to learn to treasure you.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mama
